Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alfalfa!
Alfalfa who?
Alfalfa you, if you give me a kiss!

A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. Ill be home before midnight.

Your Husband,

Professor Malone

—–

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

—–

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Your Wife,

How do you kill an [ethnic]?

Smash the toliet seat over his head while he is getting a drink of water.

What does a redneck girl and the Unabomber have in common?

Theyve both been fingered by their brothers.

Why dont little black kids play in the sand box?

Because there afraid a cat will try to bury them!

Q: Knock Knock

A: Whos there?

Q: I sell Avon cosmetics and wanted to see if you would care to sample any of my products?

A: No, but thank you – I use Mary Kay products. And please pardon me not coming to the door – I just took a shower.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

Really bad, said the second bee, the weather has been really wet and damp and there arent any flowers or pollen, so I cant make any honey

No problem, said the first bee, Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. Theres a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.

Thanks for the tip said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, Howd it go?

Fine, said the second bee, It was everything you said it would be.

Uh, whats that thing on your head? asked the first bee.

Thats my yarmulka, said the second bee, I didnt want them to think I was a wasp.

Definitely from the B list… 🙂
Origin unknown.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Delhi!
Delhi who?
Delhicatessen!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toby!
Toby who?
Toby or not toby, that is the question!

May I speak to the conductorA musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.

The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.

She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, I just like to hear you say it.