Old and New Jokes

WARNING – may be offensive to Los Angelenos, Tiny Tim, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, OJ Simpson and women who marry serial killers on death row (sounds like a topic for a talk show…). Includes American politics.

In last weeks debate, Bob Dole accused Bill Clinton of not sticking to his platform. Well, at least he didnt fall off it…

At the end of the debate, Dole closed by inviting young people to check out his Web site. This could be the most tragic attempt at looking hip since William Shatner recorded Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds.

In the polls, both Dole and Clinton scored points as agents of change. Right. Each of them motivated millions of Americans to change the channel.

When the stock market hit a record high, Bill Clinton took full credit. When poverty fell to a new low, Clinton took full credit. When unmarried pregnancies declined, well… they dragged him off the stage just in time…

In a television ad featuring Elizabeth Dole, Mrs. Dole says her husband is telling the truth about tax cuts, and that he doesnt make promises unless he intends to keep them. Thats the SECOND Mrs. Dole for those of you keeping track of vows.

The President signed a proclamation declaring this National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I think hes in trouble now – Judge Fujisaki may cite him for violating the gag order.*

Richard Ramirez, known as the Night Stalker, got married last week. Apparently the bride was looking for someone tall, dark and heinous. Since hes on death row, he cant have sex with his new wife, or even talk to her very much. Its almost like theyve been married for years. It turns out the girl misunderstood her mothers advice – she said go find yourself A NICE DOCTOR… not a Night Stalker…

To his credit, Ramirez sais he wants to settle down and change his lifestyle. In fact, hes looking for a day stalking job. (Jay Leno)

The latest book about the OJ Simpson case, An American Tragedy, claims Robert Kardashian, Johnnie Cochran and other defense team members became convinced of Simpsons guilt by the end of the trial. Yeah, about the same time the checks started bouncing.

The Orioles controversial Roberto Alomar won his sixth straight Gold Glove award. It was an emotional moment – there wasnt a dry umpire in the whole place.

Disney received approval to build a new theme park called The California Adventure. The park will include such hits as Mudslideland, Earthquakeland, Riotland and Infernoland.

In Los Angeles, Northrop Grumman unveiled its new stealth bus, made from materials similar to those used in the B-2 bomber. Stealth buses are nothing new in LA – you could wait at a bus stop for hours and never see one.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian came to the aid of a bicyclist injured in a traffic accident. When the victim saw who was working on him, he said, Wait! I want a second opinion! Despite his heroic efforts, the victim survived.

Dr. Joycelyn Elders, who resigned as surgeon general amid furor over her support for teaching kids about masturbation, has a new book out. I bought a copy – just for the articles, of course. I had a hard time finding it – I didnt know if it was in with the biographies or with the do-it-yourself books.

Tiny Tim is out of the hospital after suffering a heart attack on stage. While he has no chance of ever being normal, doctors hope he can return to his old self in no time.

A stolen Picasso portrait was recoverd. The painting was thoroughly checked to make sure everything was out of place.

A bill was signed into law making air travel safer and less frightening. I guess this means no more in-flight meals?

M & M candies are being made in several new colors, including teal green, dark pink and light orange. A company spokesman said, We got a great deal on Dennis Rodmans leftover hair dyes.

And finally, police in Peoria, Illinois arrested a 30 year old woman, protesting the incarceration of her husband, after she was discovered on the lawn of the jailhouse completely nude and fondling herself in full view of all the inmates inside. Police arrested her because they said she turned otherwise harmless prisoners into HARDENED criminals!!!

*Judge Fujisaki is presiding over the OJ Simpson civil trial.

A womans garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes wont ripen. Theres a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and shes getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?

Her neighbor replies,Well, it may sound absurd but heres what to do. Tonight theres no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and theyll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning theyll all be red, youll see.

She says Well, what the heck it cant hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

So-so, she answers. The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.

Había una ves un negro que todos los días venía a una estatua de San Marcos en la iglesia y siempre decía: Está cabrón, está cabrón.

Hasta que un día un padre vino y le preguntó que porqué siempre decía eso. El negro le contesto:

Mire padre, yo soy negro, mi mamá es negra, mi esposa es negra, pero mis hijos son güeros.

El padre le respondió:

No, pos entonces sí está cabrón.

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldnt afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a 70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.



Im driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this assh*le, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.



Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, Hey, slow down you %$&#@ idiot. Im a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, assh*le at me again. Twice? *&%$# that. I turn around and drive up next to her.



Do you have a problem? I ask.



Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?



I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?



You were speeding. I watched you. You were? I see. How did you measure my speed? (Ever the interrogator, I am.)



I heard you.



So, you measured my speed by ear?



I can hear.



How fast did you HEAR me going?



Look, she says, I dont have to take this. Here comes a cop. Ill wave him down.



THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.



What happened? he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 30 mph (the speed limit is 50) to avoid a collision.



Are those mufflers legal? Ethel asks.



Shes pushing it. I reply, I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them. I give the paperwork to the cop.



She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says What about those big tires? They CANT be legal. I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.



These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, I told the cop, Which makes them street legal as a replacement.



Ethel gets angry. She whines, So youre not going to give out any tickets to this assh*le?



The cop says, No, I am not.



Ive about had it. So I say, Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 19, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense.



What? The cop looks confused.



Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen cant detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldnt measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense.



The cop says, But, I didnt see any of this.



But, I said, I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. Ill agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street.



The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.



She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!



Of course, if she demands a trial I wont prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.



Yeah, Ive passed the bar, and Im on a mission from God.

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness? He got the following reply.

Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddys brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddys wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmothers mother. Dont forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wifes grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since Im married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wifes grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: Move over!

Canada Bill Joness Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

All things being equal, all things are never equal.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.

Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

Ok, I see that its above the luggage scale which is the place youd have to step forward for a kiss.

Thats not why its there.

Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

Its there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.