Husband and wife in their bedroom. The wife says to the husband: Darling, take off my dress. The husband complies.
And now, she says in a husky voice, Take off my high heel shoes. Thats nice. Now, take off my stockings and suspenders. Aaah, good. Now, gently unhook my bra and take it off. Goood. And finally, take off my panties, will you? Thank you.
AND DONT YOU EVER LET ME CATCH YOU WEAR ANY OF THEM AGAIN!!!
You might be a redneck if…
Its easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun.
Can I help you sir?, asked the shopkeeper.
Ah, yes…I want to buy a .44 Magnum please.
The shopkeeper informs the man that the .44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what hes going to use it for.
The man replies, I want to shoot cans!
What? Cans! You dont need a .44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do, advised the shopkeeper.
The customer has enough and finally says, Shut up and give me the dang .44 Mag…I want to shoot AmeriCans, MexiCans, and AfriCans!
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Cesium (All through the Night)
(Tune, Fever)
(1)
Never know how much I need you,
Never know how much Id dare,
When I mix you up with water,
I get a heat thats hard to bear.
I need my Cesium!
Burnin brightly,
Cesium to give me light.
Cesium —
In the morning,
Cesium all through the night.
(2)
Sun lights up the daytime.
Moon lights up the night.
Cesium lights up heaven above,
With a brilliant sky-blue light.
I need my Cesium!
Burnin hotly.
Cesium shinin so bright.
Cesium —
In the morning,
Cesium to make me feel right.
(Coda)
Everybody,
Needs some Cesium,
Cesium to give em that glow.
Cesium —
Add some water,
Get a fire hot as down below!
(3)
Romeo, he had Cesium,
Cool water Juliette.
When they mixed it up together,
Things got as hot as they can get!
They needed Cesium!
Flamin madly.
Cesium burnin so blue.
Cesium —
Shared between them.
Cesium to make their love true.
(4)
Come to the end of my story.
Got to the point that I made.
Cesiums the stuff to heat you up,
And you aint gonna find no shade!
Youll need cesium!
As you sizzle.
Cesium some comfort to earn.
Cesium —
Its almighty.
What a lovely way to burn!
— Songs of Cesium #96
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
199. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten foot soldiers in full battle array.
After the annual office party, John woke up with a headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife was preparing breakfast. Gina, he moaned, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?
Even worse, she declared, her voice dripping with scorn. You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face!
Hes an jerk, piss on him.
You did, Gina informed him. And he fired you.
Well, screw him!, said John.
I did. Youre back at work on Monday!
Washing Ironing, Food and Entertainment
A doctor rushed out of his study room. Get me my bag! he shouted. Why, whats the matter? inquired his pretty young wife.
Some fellow just phoned and said he cant live without me, he gasped as he reached for his hat. The young wife sighed. Just a moment, she said gently. I think that call was for me.
I cannot see,
I cannot pee,
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks
my hearing stinks
no sense of smell
I look like hell!
My body is drooping
got trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last
the golden years can kiss my ass!!!