Old and New Jokes

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked Women and the other marked Men.

He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.

The right-hand gate had a sign that read Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses; the other gate read Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses. The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate.

Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?

The smallish fellow replied, I havent a clue. My wife told me to stand here.

O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of O Little Town Of Bethlehem)

Para Dichloro Benzene
how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
and what you get is ice.

El conde regresa de las cruzadas y manda reunir a todos sus sirvientes. Una vez reunidos, les dice:

Antes de irme a las cruzadas ordené que le pusieran a mi esposa, la condesa, un cinturón de castidad con guillotina. Ahora veremos si me fueron fieles. ¡Abajo los pantalones!

Todos los sirvientes tenían el miembro rebanado, menos uno. El conde lo llama:

Ven acá, mi fiel Bertoldo, y dile unas palabras a este montón de desvergonzados.

¡Ggg… g… ggggg… gg!

El cielo y el infierno se encontraban en un dilema, para resolver sobre el alma de un abogado, ya que el cielo no tenía ninguno. Deciden hacer un partido de fútbol para ver quien se lo lleva, y San Pedro se burla:

¡Ja, ja, ja!, perdiste diablo, porque conmigo están Maradona, Pelé, Garrincha, Cruiff, y otros.

Sin preocuparse, el diablo le responde:

¿Y, qué? Mira en el banquillo a quienes tenemos nosotros.

En la banca, los tres árbitros estaban sentados.

The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run! Shes got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

A feature of America On Line (AOL) is detailed member profiles. At the bottom of each profile is a space for a personal quote. Below are some that I thought were funny.

Ill never forget a face, but in your case Ill make an exception
– Groucho
Someone asked, How are you, I said, Not yet.
– Jack Bailey
If a tree falls in a forest with no one around.. does anyone care?
My way of joking is telling the truth. That is the funniest joke of all.
– G.B.Shaw
Never attribute to malice that which can be accounted for by stupidity.
I knew youd be checking this. Thats why its strategically vague.
I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in there Ill never know.
– G.Marx
Why are you checking my profile?
Are cataracts… genetic blueblockers?
The toilet is the only place where everyone knows what they are doing.
Nancy Kerrigan has more teeth in her mouth than Jeffery Dahmer had in his entire refrigerator!

… and my all time favorite AOL profile quote (so far) is …

A billion quadrillion tons of exploding hydrogen nuclei rose over the horizon and managed to look small, cold and slightly damp.

The quote credited to the late Jack Bailey of the tv show Queen For A Day is mine own profile quote and is para-phrasing a real life incident in my life.

The story behind it is as follows.

I was going to a charity dinner to hear Jack Bailey speak and rushed into the mens room to take a quick #1 before going in to be seated. You know how you look to see whos next to you at the urnal?

Well I looked up and over and saw it was Jack Bailey. I didnt know such a famous person and in an awkward way asked, Hi Jack, How are you?

He looked down at what he was doing and said, Not yet.

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says, My cock is longer than that cats tail.

A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.

But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, Just a moment! Where did you measure that cats tail from?

From the asshole. says the bartender.

Well, kindly do me the same favor.

A man walks into a bar with a metal box under one arm and a duck under the other. The man walks up to the bar and asks the bar tender if you give me a free bottle of beer Ill show you my dancing duck. The barman is surprised, but gives the guy a bud and asks the bloke to show him the duck dancing. So the guy puts the metal box on the bar, and stands the duck on top of it. A few seconds later the duck starts to jump around, as if hes doing an Irish jig.

Everyone in the bar is now watching this duck dancing, and the barman offers the guy $50 for the duck and the box. The bloke accepts, and the pub is filled day and night for 3 days with people watching the amazing dancing duck.

So 3 days after he sold the barman the duck, the guy walks back in to the pub and sees his duck dancing on the box on top of the bar.

The barman sees the guy and offers him a bottle of bud on the house. As he gives the guy the bud, the barman asks, Could you tell me how you stop the duck from dancing on top of the box?

The man replies, Oh thats easy, you just take the hot coals out.