Old and New Jokes

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender says, We dont serve mushrooms here.

The mushroom says, Why?! Im a fun guy!

Woman: I have a problem. Doctor: Well, are you regular? Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30. Doctor: So, whats the problem? Woman: I dont get up untill 9:30.

President Bush and Colin Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, Isnt that Bush and Powell sitting over there?The barman looks over and confirms, Yep, thats them.So the guy walks over and says, Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?Bush checks to make sure no one is listening in, and whispers, Were planning our next war.And the guy says, Really? Whats going to happen?Bush says, Well, were going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman.The guy exclaimed, A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?And Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!

WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse.

Never let your mans mind wander – its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

Un tipo cayéndose de borracho entra en una iglesia en plena misa y en el preciso instante en que el sacerdote levanta el Cáliz grita a todo pulmón:

Salud, amigo, esa copa que te vas a tomar, la pago yo.

Desde un confesionario, otro sacerdote asoma la cabeza y lanza un:

¡SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!

El borracho se vuelve y dirigiénsose a él le dice:

No te enojes, también estás invitado… ¡pero primero acaba de cagar!

Durante la clase de Ciencias Naturales, la maestra comenzó por decirles a los pequeños cada parte del cuerpo y les explicó que en la mayoría de los casos tenemos proporción.

Por ejemplo, niños, tenemos dos brazos, dos piernas, dos orejas, dos ojos, dos pies, dos manos, etc…

Pepito, ansioso por decir algo, levantó la mano:

¡Yo, maestra!

A ver, Pepito, dime.

¡Mi papá tiene dos pitos! Uno chiquito para mear y otro grandote para mi mamá!

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving.

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?



The Officer replies, The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. Im walking round taking up a collection for him.



Oh really? How much have you collected so far?



So far only about three hundred gallons but Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning.

The party of the first part (herein referred to as she), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as him):

1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the first date), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.



Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.



2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the matchmaker) blameless in the event that the fix-up turns out to be a real loser or psycho bitch. (For definition of real loser, see John DeLorean: My Story, available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For definition of psycho bitch, see Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct or Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.)



3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said dating: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are going out. (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are seeing somebody and may be referred to by third parties as an item. Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms girl/boyfriend or lover and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as a couple. Under no circumstances are the phrases my better half, the little woman, the old ball and chain, or my old man/lady acceptable.



Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party gets too serious and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of moving too fast and may once again be said to be on the market.



4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; rights or holds on the others time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be missing in action the wounded party agrees to give up.



5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the others work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend, and both parties agree to strike the phrase but he/she needs me from their vocabularies.



Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.



6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that-respective gross income aside-he will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, this is ridiculous, you pay!



Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.



7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the Why do I bother to keep my own apartment? codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments.



Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to pick up after himself while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties.By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment a mess.



8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like Lets move in together, Why dont we start a family? and using archaic terminology-Lets get married.



9. THE L WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase I love you. They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other.



Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the G word … Gone.



10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds or immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:



Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, Ending any argument with the sentence My ex used to do that same ****

Two blondes were fishing on a river in B.C. They were on opposit sides of the river and using the same tackle. How ever only one young blond was catching fish, and she was catching a lot.

Finaly the other blond couldnt stand it any longer and she asked How do you get to the other side of the river ? The other blond thought about it for a while and finaly answered You are already there.

A fool and his money are soon elected.