This morning, National Public Radio reported that Monica Lewinsky had
been in an accident with her Sport Utility Vehicle. Immediately, four
things came to my mind:
She must have blown a rod.
Obviously, her driving sucks too.
Its not the first time she flipped over something with a spare tire.
I wonder how badly this accident stained her dress?
Salt Lake City is No. 1 in the world in Jell-O consumption. Says Jay
Leno, But LA is still No. 1 if you include recreational use. You know
— naked wrestling, Jell-O shots.
Did you here about the new tractor Reagan designed for farmers?
It has no seat or steering wheel.
Its meant for the farmer that lost his ass and doesnt know
which direction hes going.
Wendell Wilcox
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.” The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.” With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, “I want two more of these.”
Q. Why did the Jewish chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the synagogue
You might be a redneck if…
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Q: What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist?
A: A chemist will drink anything that is distilled.
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genies lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold a real Genie appeared.
Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, Nope…not these days…Im only giving out 1 wish because of inflation. So…whatll be?
Bill didnt hesitate. He said, I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, Are you crazy! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. Im good but Im not THAT good. I dont think it can be done. So make another wish.
Bill thought for a minute and said, You know, people really dont like my wife. They think shes a real witch and ugly as sin. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. Thats what I want!
The Genie thought for a minute and said, Hmmmmm. Lemme see that map again.
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.
Im not aware of your problem, the doctor said. So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.
Of course, replied the patient… In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…
A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!
The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodiles mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,
Look, no marks.
The bartender is still unsure so the man asks…
Would anyone else like to try?
The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says…
I will but dont smack me on the head!