Old and New Jokes

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

Little Jimmy is at school and the teacher says your homework is to work out the difference between potential and reality.Jimmy goes home and has no idea ,so he asks his dad.His dad thinks about it and tells Jimmy to ask his mum if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid.He asks his mum and she saysdont tell your dad ,but yes i would for a million quid. Jimmy goes and tells his dad all this and his dad says Go and ask your little sister if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid he asks his sister and she says dont tell your dad but yes , i would for a million quid Jimmy goes and tells his dad this and his dad says There you go Jimmy , thats the difference between potential and reality.Potentially were sitting on two million quid, in reality were living with a couple of slags.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy be a big job!

If you file it, youll know where it is but never need it. If you dont file it, youll need it but never know where it is.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

There is black boy, Malcolm; a white boy, James; and a Mexican girl
Jaunita in a spelling bee at school.

To win the spelling bee the student must spell the word correctly and use
the word in a sentence.

Teacher: James, spell dictate.

James: d-e-c-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Sorry thats wrong.

Teacher: Juanita spell dictate.

Juanita: d-i-k-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Sorry thats wrong.

Teacher: Malcolm spell dictate.

Malcolm: d-i-c-t-a-t-e

Teacher: Correct Malcolm. Now use it in a sentence.

Malcolm: Juanita, how my dic tate las nite?

On the wall of a church was a sign:

If you are tired of sin, come to see us!

And right below it in nice rounded letters;

But if youre not, my phone number is 341 3451

[Heard this one on the Howard Stern Radio Show.]

Have you heard about the new radio station? It is called WPMS.
They have an interesting format:

Three weeks of blues, followed by one week of ragtime.

When a man pulled two guns on convenience store clerk Wazir Jiwi and demanded money, Jiwi asked how much he wanted for one of the guns. He said $100, which Jiwi paid him. Then Jiwi offered to buy the second gun. The robber handed it over, grabbed the cash and headed for the exit. But Jiwi had pushed a button under the counter that automatically locked the door.

He turned to me and asked what was going on, Jiwi says. I told him to bring the money back and I would let him go. He brought the money back, and I opened the door.