Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gretel!
Gretel who!
Gretal long little doggie…!

Ill tell you a short poem;

Ill try to make it quick.

The subject is quite simple:

The joy of having a dick.

Penises are super things;

You ladies should be jealous.

An organ surrounded by sensitive skin

Thats smooth and rarely hairless

It starts to grow dramatically,

When youre about thirteen.

Your testicles on either side;

Your willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below;

Soft, obedient and loyal.

At the slightest hint of lust,

Its ready to uncoil.

It often has a mind all of its own;

Its like a wild untamed beast.

It squirms and writhes and stretches out;

When you expect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;

Erecting when it shouldnt.

A bumpy train ride sets it off;

Just when you wish it wouldnt.

And during the summer,

wearing little, sunning on the beach

The slightest sight of shaking boobs

Makes it squirm just like a leech.

Handle it with love and care;

For it can give great pleasure.

Has it grown since last weekend?

And when did you last measure?

Some people fret about its size;

They give it lots of thought.

Is seven inches long enough?

It makes guys quite distraught.

They peek across in urinals,

To compare and try to see

But if another glances back at them

Theres no way they can pee

Masturbating is a sin;

Thats what some folk believe.

But those are just old wives tales;

Cuz it really can relieve.

Without this fabulous organ,

No shag would be complete.

Lesbians will try their best;

But must admit defeat.

It has to main bodily functions

Im sure youll all agree

To start a whole new life

And of course, daily to pee

But I think the thing thats marvellous;

About that one eyed brute

Is that when its trying to procreate,

It knows which fluid to shoot

And always it remains with you;

Until youre old and frail.

Dont take it out in public though,

Or youll be thrown in jail.

And so to summarise Id say with certainty

That every male loves his little friend

But girls, no matter what we do,

Please dont fold, spindle mutilate

And NEVER NEVER Bend!!!

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. He said. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

Why, thats amazing! the doctor said, Did you follow my instructions?

The blonde nodded. Ill tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.

From hunger, you mean?

No, from skipping!

If he or she is awake.

Whats the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same.

(just say it to confuse people)

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

Well.. she said each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box

And what about the thousand pound? asked the old man.

Well… Replies the woman Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them

Husband and wife in their bedroom. The wife says to the husband: Darling, take off my dress. The husband complies.

And now, she says in a husky voice, Take off my high heel shoes. Thats nice. Now, take off my stockings and suspenders. Aaah, good. Now, gently unhook my bra and take it off. Goood. And finally, take off my panties, will you? Thank you.

AND DONT YOU EVER LET ME CATCH YOU WEAR ANY OF THEM AGAIN!!!

A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun.

Can I help you sir?, asked the shopkeeper.

Ah, yes…I want to buy a .44 Magnum please.

The shopkeeper informs the man that the .44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what hes going to use it for.

The man replies, I want to shoot cans!

What? Cans! You dont need a .44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do, advised the shopkeeper.

The customer has enough and finally says, Shut up and give me the dang .44 Mag…I want to shoot AmeriCans, MexiCans, and AfriCans!

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.

Cesium (All through the Night)
(Tune, Fever)

(1)
Never know how much I need you,
Never know how much Id dare,
When I mix you up with water,
I get a heat thats hard to bear.

I need my Cesium!
Burnin brightly,
Cesium to give me light.
Cesium —
In the morning,
Cesium all through the night.

(2)
Sun lights up the daytime.
Moon lights up the night.
Cesium lights up heaven above,
With a brilliant sky-blue light.

I need my Cesium!
Burnin hotly.
Cesium shinin so bright.
Cesium —
In the morning,
Cesium to make me feel right.

(Coda)
Everybody,
Needs some Cesium,
Cesium to give em that glow.
Cesium —
Add some water,
Get a fire hot as down below!

(3)
Romeo, he had Cesium,
Cool water Juliette.
When they mixed it up together,
Things got as hot as they can get!

They needed Cesium!
Flamin madly.
Cesium burnin so blue.
Cesium —
Shared between them.
Cesium to make their love true.

(4)
Come to the end of my story.
Got to the point that I made.
Cesiums the stuff to heat you up,
And you aint gonna find no shade!

Youll need cesium!
As you sizzle.
Cesium some comfort to earn.
Cesium —
Its almighty.
What a lovely way to burn!

— Songs of Cesium #96