Old and New Jokes

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, Hey thats a good idea!

What is it that you put over your cigarette?

The other old lady said, Its a condom.

A condom? Where do you get those?

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, What size do you want?

One that would fit a Camel.

Why was Stonehenge abandoned?

It wasnt IBM compatible.

Heard on Paul Harveys Rest of the Story 12/24/92

A man climbed the fence to the bear cage in Karachi and began yelling to
the bears, apparently challenging them to a fight.

According to hospital officials, the bears accepted.

Washington Post – Invitational Challenge was to come up with terribly inappropriate Christmas gift ideas.

Honorable Mentions:
Supersoaker 9000:For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
The Laff-O-Minit Jajic Spellin Tootor Doggie Dentist:Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
Cuisin-Art:Turns mommys food processor into a spinning paint tool.
Water Retention Wanda:Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
Advanced Play Medical Kit:Includes colonoscope and speculum.
Chocolate:Covered lead soldiers.
Bungeroo:Kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms.
Islamic Strip Poker:Lose a hand, lose a hand.
And the winners are:
4th Runner Up:Lil Naturalist Hornet Farm
3rd Runner Up:A Pee Wee Herman pull toy
2nd Runner Up:The Duncan Yo – Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.
1st Runner Up:5,200 pick up – a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game.
Winner:The Learn About Puberty Chia Pet

The story follows:

One dark night when it was light

Two dead boys got up to fight

Back to back they faced each other

Drew their swords and shot each other

A deaf policeman heard the noise

And came and killed the two dead boys

Boy Scouts circa 1939

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other Can you smell fish?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fatso!
Fatso who?
Fatso the matter with you!

Un joven llevaba a su novia de regreso a casa en un día en que hacía un frío del diablo, cuando de pronto se les poncha una llanta. El joven baja de su auto y empieza a cambiarla. Al poco rato sube al auto y le dice a la novia:

¡Estoy muerto de frío! ¡Ya casi no siento mis manos! Pues mételas en medio de mis piernas para calentarlas! La muchacha se sube el vestido y le permite al joven que ponga sus manos entre sus muslos. Después de un rato el joven dice:

¡Ya! ¡Ya las siento mejor! Déjame terminar de cambiar la llanta. El joven termina de cambiar la llanta y al entrar de nuevo al auto, la muchacha le dice con visible ganas: ¡Parece que tus orejas están también terriblemente frías!

A women who doesnt have a husband.

A German, a Frenchman, and a Jew were lost in the desert.

The German said, Im tired, Im thirsty, I must have beer!

The Frenchman said, Im tired, Im thirsty, I must have wine!

The Jew said, Im tired, Im thirsty, I must have diabetes!