These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
199. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten foot soldiers in full battle array.
After the annual office party, John woke up with a headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife was preparing breakfast. Gina, he moaned, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?
Even worse, she declared, her voice dripping with scorn. You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face!
Hes an jerk, piss on him.
You did, Gina informed him. And he fired you.
Well, screw him!, said John.
I did. Youre back at work on Monday!
Washing Ironing, Food and Entertainment
A doctor rushed out of his study room. Get me my bag! he shouted. Why, whats the matter? inquired his pretty young wife.
Some fellow just phoned and said he cant live without me, he gasped as he reached for his hat. The young wife sighed. Just a moment, she said gently. I think that call was for me.
I cannot see,
I cannot pee,
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks
my hearing stinks
no sense of smell
I look like hell!
My body is drooping
got trouble pooping.
The golden years have come at last
the golden years can kiss my ass!!!
( This joke has been told by many deaf people and has been recorded in
a few books on deaf culture. The interpretation of this joke is mine,
though. )
A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into
their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the
woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she
finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car.
Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to
go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe
and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the cars
glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes
something: he cant remember which room was his!
He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and
honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the
motels windows lighten up–except one window, and of course, he makes
for the room with that window.
A liberal came upon a genie and said, Youre a genie. Can you grant me three wishes? The genie replied, Yes, but only if youre feeling generous enough to share your good fortune. The liberal said, Im a liberal. Im always happy to share. The genie said, O.K., then, whatever you wish for, Ill give every conservative in the country two of it. Whats your first wish? I would like a new sports car. O.K., youve got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. Whats your second wish? Id like a million dollars. O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. Whats your third and final wish? Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.
The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tigers tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesnt want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, Did you just lick me twice in the butt?The other tiger replied, Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, youre a mile away and you have their shoes.
A tea bag.