Old and New Jokes

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Estaban dos borrachitos en una cantina platicando de la vida. Afuera había un burro amarrado a un palo. Entonces uno le dice al otro, qué apuestas a que hago reir a ese burro.

Entonces dice el otro : no, pues te disparo un six de chelas.

El otro borracho contesta entusiasmado, ok, me parece bien, ¿pero que te parece si después lo hago llorar?

No te pases de mentiroso, si lo haces llorar te regalo toda la cantina.

Entonces sale el borracho retador con el burro y le dice un secreto en la oreja. El burro se empieza a reir desenfrenadamente, luego ya que se calma, le dice otro secreto, y el burro empieza a llorar.

Ya que regresa, se encuentra con su amigo que tenía una cara enorme del asombro.

Me ganaste, lo acepto, pero antes de que te page, me vas a decir cómo le hiciste.

Muy fácil. Primero fui y le dije que la tenía más grande que él. Y luego se la enseñé…

Pepito decide ganar dinero vendiendo huevos y piensa:

Debo ir a un lugar donde haya bastante gente para vender mucho.

Así, recorre las calles hasta que ve mucha gente reunida en la iglesia porque era domingo.

Aquí es donde voy a vender.

Entra y comienza a gritar:

¡Huevos, lleve sus huevos, baratos!

Y toda la gente comienza a reclamar:

¡Niño, por favor, cállate!

Hasta que lo escucha el cura y ordena:

¡Saquen a ese niño de los huevos!

¡No, padre, mejor de la orejita!, suplica Pepito.

Una maestra de muy buen ver se preocupa porque ve con cara de papanatas a uno de sus alumnos; así que en uno de los recesos lo llama aparte y le pregunta:

¿Qué te pasa, Pepito? ¡Tu trabajo en la escuela ha decaído últimamente!

Estoy enamorado, maestra.

Disimulando una sonrisa la maestra insiste:

¿De quién?

¡De usted!, contesta Pepito sin inmutarse.

Gentilmente la profesora le sigue el juego:

¡Pero, Pepito, eso no está bien! Es verdad que me gustaría tener un esposo algún día, pero yo no quiero un niño…

¡Oh, no se preocupe por eso, maestra, usaremos un preservativo!, le interrumpe Pepito.

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life- until the boat sank.



He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.



After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, Where did you come from? How did you get here?



I rowed from the other side of the island, she says. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.



Amazing, he says. You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.



O, this? replies the woman. I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.



But-but, thats impossible, stutters Ed. You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?



Oh, that was no problem, replies the woman. On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.



Ed is stunned. Lets row over to my place, she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.



While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, Its not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?



No, no thank you, he says, still dazed. Cant take any more coconut juice.



Its not coconut juice, the woman replies. I have a still. How about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.



After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, Im going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.



No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.



WOW! This woman is amazing, he muses, What next? When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.



Tell me, she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, Weve been out here for a really long time. Youve been lonely. Theres something Im sure you really feel like doing right now, something youve been longing for all these months. You know… She stares into his eyes.



He cant believe what hes hearing: You mean—, he swallows excitedly, I can check my e-mail from here….?

Just when you thought you were winning the rat race

along come faster rats.

1. Oh I just couldnt. Hell, shes only sixteen.
2. Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape wont fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, Ill have a Heineken.
6. We dont keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You cant feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, its just not safe.
11. Wrasslins fake.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
13. Were vegetarians.
14. Do you think my gut is too big?
15. Ill have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
16. Honey, we dont need another dog.
17. Whos Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

John was sitting in a cafe. The waiter had just brought a cup of coffee to the
man sitting at the table next to him. The man drained his coffee into the vase
on the table and ate the cup. He only left the handle. Then he paid and left the
cafe.

Did you see that? John asks the waiter. This man drained his coffee into the
vase and ate the cup. He only left the handle. Strange, isnt it?

That is strange indeed, replied the waiter. The handle is the best of a cup.

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you
get lost in the desert? he asked. Several hands went up, and many important
things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. Yes Timmy, what are
the three most important things you would bring with you? asked the Scout
Master.

Timmy replied, A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.

Whys that, Timmy?

Well, answered Timmy, the compass is to find the right direction, the water
is to prevent dehydration…

And what about the deck of cards? asked the Scout Master impatiently.

Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up
behind you and say, Put that red nine on top of that black ten!

What is the ultimate rejection?

When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!