Old and New Jokes

Berras Law: You can observe a lot just by watching. – Yogi Berra

Banaceks Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.

Person who likes to see other people stewed.

You can never fall off the floor.

Estaba el novio en la casa de su novia, cuando la comienza a besar y tocar por todas partes y cuando intenta sacarle la ropa, ella le dice:

Hasta que no estemos casados, nada.

Pero mi amor, sabes que no tengo dinero, no encuentro trabajo, casarnos cuesta mucho dinero.

Bueno, pero hace dos años que me tienes a cuento o te casas o no te doy nada de nada.

El novio muy apesadumbrado y cachondo se va para la casa.

Cuando sale se encuentra una cabra pastando y se le subió toda la calentura a la cabeza, va de atrás se la ensarta y se agarra de los cuernos.

En eso la cabra al sentir tal envión, sale corriendo como loca y se pone a dar vueltas alrededor de la casa.

En eso se asoma la nova a la ventana y los ve y dice:

¡Pero qué hijo de puta, plata para casarse no tiene, pero anda en moto nueva!

A parish got a new priest. During his first service, when a certain prayer was
said, half the congregation stood up and half remained sitting. The half that
was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing
yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

The new priest did not know what to do. His congregation suggested to consult a
98-year-old man, who was the oldest inhabitant of the village. The priest hoped
the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual tradition was, so he
went to the old peoples home with a representative of each fraction of the
congregation.

The one whose followers stood during the prayer said to the old man, Is the
tradition to stand during this prayer?

The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition.

The one whose followers sat said gladly, Then the tradition is to sit during
this prayer!

The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition.

Then the priest said to the old man, But the congregation fight all the time,
yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand…

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, That is the tradition!

Kansas: Toto isnt here anymore. Wisconsin: Wear cheese or die. Oklahoma: Rather Sooner than Later. Hawaii: Try our lei-away program. Mississippi: Elvis was born here, but heck, even he left. California: Hey, with this many of us, we can make it legal! New Jersey: Waste not … send it here instead. Nevada: Two to one youll come again! Washington: If wed meant DC, wed have said DC, stupid. Massachusetts: Taxus Por Un Fortunat Bums. Tennessee: To stay here, youd have to be a Volunteer! Alabama: At least youre not in Mississippi. Idaho: And dont even joke about the &%$#)%^ potatoes! West Virginia: Well, it sounded better than Eastern Ohio… Florida: Give me your sick, your old, your rich retirees… South Carolina: Settled by prisoners, what do you expect. North Carolina: Furniture out the wazoo. Maryland: The best place to get crabs. Nebraska: Not much to look at, but we sure have a lot of it. Alaska: Colder than a polar bears patoot. South Dakota: To rent this space call 1-800-SEE-COWS. Michigan: Where cars used to come from. Arkansas: Send us your contributions, well send you our Bill… Wyoming: More elk than people, but not much traffic. Delaware: Parking for Dupont employees only. Vermont: We boil sap. New Hampshire: We boil sap too. Ohio: The pillow state — round on both ends, hi in the middle — and full of fluff. Missouri: We love company … North Dakota: We wish we even had sap.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.

Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt – Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctors advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that shed indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. I cant dear, she said.
I have to sleep in Daddys room.
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: The big sissy.