Old and New Jokes

Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And were here to help…

Hah Tu Spek Suthun:

Bard – verb. Past tense of the infinitive to borrow.

Usage: My brother bard my pickup truck.

Jawjuh – noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.

Munts – noun. A calendar division.

Usage: My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts.

All – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.

Far – noun. A conflagration.

Usage: If my brother from Jawjuh doesnt change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.

Bahs – noun. A supervisor.

Usage: If you dont stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!

Tar – noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesnt git a flat tar in my pickup truck.

Tire – noun. A tall monument.

Usage: Lord willing and the creeks dont rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.

Retard – Verb. To stop working.

Usage: My granpaw retard at age 65.

Rats – noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.

Farn – adjective. Not local.

Usage: I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.

Juhere – a question.

Usage: Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?

Haze – a contraction.

Usage: Is Bubba smart? Nah … haze ignert.

View – contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: I aint never seed New York City … view?

Gummit – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.

Usage: Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!

Windows 95: noun,

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a

16 bit patch to an

8 bit operating system originally coded for a

4 bit microprocessor, written by a

2 bit company that cant stand

1 bit of competition.

Rajsi complained to his friend about his wife My wife never agrees with anything I say. And we have been married for six years . Mrs Rajsi intervened, Not six we have been married for seven years !

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river.

With even greater emphasis he said, And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river.

And then finally, he said, And if I had all the whiskey in the world, Id take it and pour it into the river. Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: Shall We Gather at the River.

He had only one major publication.
It was in Hebrew.
It had no references.
It was not published in a referred journal.
Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
It may be true that He created the world– but what has he done since?
His cooperative efforts have been limited.
The scientific community has a hard time replicating His results.
He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning
the subjects.
When subjects did not behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
He rarely came to class, and told students to just read the Book.
Some say He had His Son teach the class.
He expelled his first two students for learning.
Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed
His test.
His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

One day, a bus driver is on his route, when he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side of the road. The van driver, who works for the zoo, pleads with the bus driver to do him a favor.He offers a $100 bill to the bus driver to help him deliver a truckload of penguins to the zoo. Agreeing, the bus driver proceeds to load two dozen penguins onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery. As hesdriving down the road, he sees the bus driver and the busload of penguins heading in the oppositedirection. He turns his van around and chases him, catches up to the bus and pulls over them onto the side of the road. He asks the bus driver, "I thought I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take thepenguins to the zoo for me!""Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now Im taking them to the movies!"

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. Im a cop, says the first man. Then we will shoot your penis off!, said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. Im a firemen, said the second man. Then we will burn your penis off!, said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, And you, what do you do for a living? And the third man answered, with a sly grin, Im a lollipop salesman!

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered a severe sunburn and heatstroke. He was taken to the hospital where his skin was a bright red, painful and started to blister. Anything that touched him caused agony.

The doctor prescribed continued intravenious feedings of water and electolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

What good will Viagra do him in that condition? the nurse inquired.

The doctor replied, It will keep the sheet off of him.

To: Jesus Ben Joseph

Regarding: 12 Candidates for management positions.

Dear sir,

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeaus definitely have radical leanings, and they both register a high score on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man.

Sincerely yours,

Management Consultants Inc.

(And you thought that things had changed a lot over the last 2000 years.)

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Lets see who can go downhill the fastest.

Sign in Kings Canyon in California. Slow Parking Ahead

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!