A man, who was an average golfer, was on the 11th tee at Augusta. He promptly shanks a shot into the trees. Upon discovering his ball, he found it to be next to a witch.
The witch was stirring a pot of golfers brew. The gentleman asked the witch what the brew was for. The witch responded that the brew would do two things; first he would become the best golfer in the world and secondly his sex life would go to hell. And like most golfers I know, he choose the brew and better golf.
A year goes by and the man has won every major championship and is world renowned for his golf game. But, upon arriving at the 11th tee at Augusta, he hits a shot in the same woods where he reunits with the witch.
The witch remembers him and asks, Hows your golf game? He responds, Fantastic! Then she says, Hows your sex life? He responds, Not bad…
The witch says Not Bad? What do you mean not bad?? The man says Twice last year. The witch says Most people think twice in a year is terrible.
The man answers Well its not bad for a priest in a small parrish.
A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15
years and was on the run. He broke into a house and
tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the
man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife
to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on
the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck.
His wife started to move her head violently, at which
the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to
his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him
kissing you. He probably hasnt seen a woman in years.
Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever
you do dont fight him or make him mad. Our lives
may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out
her gag. "Im so relieved you feel that way.
He wasnt kissing me, he was whispering to me. He
told me he thinks youre really cute and asked if
we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.
He was very furious and said, Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!
Yes Sir, Mr. President, the interior decorator replies.
Ill take those mirrors out right away!
Oy of the Beholder – Singles kvetch about their awful dates.
Girls, Interrupted – Womens section of Shul shusshed during davening (prayers).
The Seder House Rules – Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach.
Angelas Kashas – Woman reveals secret recipes.
The Six Cents – Three Jews each put in their two-cents worth.
Snow Falling on Seders – Unexpected storm disrupts Passover.
Supernova – Space scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dreydel Will Rock – Chanukah toy comes alive.
Sleepy Hallah – On Friday night, father fills up on bread, dozes off.
Stuart Ladle – Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
The Whole Nine Yids – Struggling shul waits for tenth.
The Green Mohel – Young man performs first circumcision
Mun on the Moon – Astronauts discover hamantaschen filling, not green cheese, on lunar surface.
Gonif with the Wind – A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
The Putzman Rings Twice – A mohel murder mystery
Schnorer Rae – A freeloader tries to get in on the union movement
Balaboosta Cockburn – John Waynes wife memorizes Grossinger cookbook
The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly – A kosher noodle western
Moby Dreck – Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale
The Cincinnati Yid – Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to start a reform congregation
Litvak Big Man – Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kibbitzer – Paul Newman and Robert Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims.
Bridge over the River Kvetch – The extras complain that whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips
The Creature from the Black Latke – An overdone potato pancake turns into a monster
Mamza Poppins – A talented nanny has questions about her birth legitimacy
The Matzo Candidate – Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking its always Passover
Mister Schnapps Goes to Washington – Jimmy Stewart thinks hes still filming Harvey
Driedls of the Lost Ark – Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games
Aleph Doesnt Live Here Anymore – Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found
Borscht-time for Bonzo – Ronald Regan tries to train an Ashkenazy monkey
Singing in the Chrain – Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his umbrella
I was watching a documentary on Aleut life yesterday.
The father of the family was telling his clan that the Aleuts were generally very slow to accept modern technology. In fact they suspected it a great deal.
One pregnant woman complained to the doctor that a stuck phonograph record had affected her unborn child.
Nonsense, said the doctor, I dont see how it could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother … could bother.
a jewish mom is walking to the store on her way there she finds a 100 dollar bill and go in the store to buy some jewish candy but she cant couse the cash is mexica money so she gets the candy and goes up to the cashier and says this is all i whant ok thatll be 2.50 so she gives the money to him and he says this is mexican money you stopid jew!
Whats black and white, black and brown, and black and black? A nun on a spit!
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one
President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million–it will only cover 4,800 students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires
President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes greater than $250,000
Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $200,000
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $30,000
Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich, foreigners, and corporate polluters
President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the elderly, motorists, and farmers
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay for retraining
President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold
Random Access Memory – When you cant remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it
If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.