Old and New Jokes

One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, Mom, where did I come from?

My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Ritas eyes got wider and wider.

When She was finished, Little Rita said Wow, thats really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania.

Copulation without representation.

Yo mama so old her Social Security number is 1.

You might be a redneck if…
Youre a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

This one may be old on the net (I certainly heard it a number of years ago),
but in case you havent heard it before, here goes a story the Polish tell
about Russians…

A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He
is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is
more than a little peeved that his status in the party isnt enough to get
him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have
left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm–hell have to make do with that.
The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for
the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well
try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups
of tea.

As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they
are having a fairly wild party and theyre very drunk. They also ignore him
totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes,
he realizes he cant stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them.
He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it
were a microphone he says:

Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid
knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30
seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian
gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, however, as hes checking out and is about to leave, the
desk-clerk calls after him:

By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your
little joke last night!

As I said, this is a joke the Polish tell about Russians…

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks its a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove. So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here. The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. Anything else, he questions. The hippie replies, Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove. Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here! So the barkeep returns to the hippie. That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right? Yeah, the hippie says, but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove. The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie. You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!

Id like to buy some gloves for my wife, the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, but I dont know her size.

Will this help? she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

Oh, yes, he answered. Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours.

Will there be anything else? the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

Now that you mention it, he replied, she also needs a bra and panties.

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the
second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who
isnt there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps
quiet. But when Valentines Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a
particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of
the bartender, and he says, I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you
know there is never a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you
persist in asking out empty space?

The mathematician replies, Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is
never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the
time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl
might suddenly appear there.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, Really? Interesting. But couldnt you just
ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy her a
drink? Never know – she might say yes.

The mathematician laughs, Yeah, right – how fucking likely is that to
happen?

We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants however go light years beyond this.

What follows is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. What follows is an unbelievable list of what we can only call the lowlights.

1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didnt get the job, it would show that the companys management was incompetent.

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

3. Brought her large dog to the interview.

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Asked to see interviewers resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

10. Announced she hadnt had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview.

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview.

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.

13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

15. Wouldnt get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal.

22. Said he wasnt interested because the position paid too much.

23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidates briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized andsaid he had to leave for another interview.

25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: Which company? When do I start? Whats the salary? I said, I assume youre not interested in conducting the interview any further. He promptly responded, I am as long as you will pay me more. I didnt hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.

27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.

28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didnt want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time.

30. Candidate said he really didnt want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

33. She threw up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened.

34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk.

and topping the list….

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.