Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

11. Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. He was seen hopping and jumping around, said police spokesman Mike Carey, with an explosion taking place inside his pants. Police have the mans charred trousers in custody.

Q: How many members of Marillion does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Well, I thought it was going to be something to do with Fish (as in the ubiquitous surrealists joke,) but in fact the answer was only 2, but first they had to figure out how Genesis would have done it. Apparently this would be hilarious to fans of these groups, who believe Marillion to be Genesis copycats.

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?

No, Dopey, responds the Pontiff, there are not.

Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy? Dopey questions.

No, Dopey, the Pope chuckles, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.

Mr Pope, Dopey asks pleadingly, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?

No, Dopey, the Pope says sadly, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.

And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, Dopey f***ed a penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin.

Once there were three babys still inside the uterus of their mother.

They were all talking and wondering what each other was going to be when they grew up.



The first baby said, I want to be a fireman so I can put fires out.



The next said, I want to be a carpenter so I can fix this place up.



The last one said, I want to be a hunter so I can kill that bald headed bastard that keeps popping in and out of here!.

Q: How many Gardner-Webb University students does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two – one to throw the old one in the cow pasture and the other to drive to Shelby to get a new bulb.

An appliance that you screw on the bed to keep the house clean.

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure hes dead.

A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. That will be $6.35, he told the customer.

That really is a little too small, said the woman. Dont you have anything larger?



Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took the same one out again.



This one, he said faintly, will be $6.65.



The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. I know what, she said, Ill take both of them!