Old and New Jokes

Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the usual suspects for a lineup.

Suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped forward and screamed Thats her!!

You might be a redneck if…
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

15. How do you want to crash today?

Muere Chávez en el golpe de estado y va al purgatorio. Dios y el diablo se pelean porque ninguno de los dos quiere recibirlo.

En vista de que ninguno cede y no hay acuerdo, recurren a mediadores; éstos deciden una propuesta de aceptación obligatoria: que alterne un mes en el Cielo y otro en el Infierno.

El primer mes Chávez va al Cielo. Dios no sabe que hacer, se vuelve loco. Chávez le da la vuelta a todo, privatiza los elementos de la Oración y Liturgia, disuelve el sistema de asesoría personal de los ángeles, subasta las nubes, le regala un kilometro cuadrado de cielo al Infierno, nombra arcángeles provisionales, le interviene las comunicaciones a los Santos, cambia los cilindros a las cerraduras de las puertas de san Pedro, envía un proyecto de ley para reformar los diez mandamientos y darle amnistía a Lucifer, también le cambio las aureolas a los ángeles por boinas rojas y convocó una asamblea constituyente para promulgar la nueva Biblia.

En el Cielo todo es revolucionado, la gente, dividida entre escuálidos y santa chusma, lo odia y Dios no ve la hora en que se cumplan los 30 días para que se largue al Infierno. Cuando Chávez va al Infierno, Dios respira aliviado, pero al acercarse el día 20 comienza a sufrir nuevamente, pensando que en 10 días tiene que volver a verlo. Sin embargo, llega el primer día del siguiente mes y nada, el quinto día y nada, no aparece.

Primero Dios estaba feliz pero luego se quedo pensando:

¿Acaso se ha quedado más tiempo en el infierno para que luego puedan tocarle dos meses seguidos en el Paraíso?

Con solo pensarlo se desespera y decide llamar por teléfono al Infierno para preguntarle al diablo que es lo que ocurre.

Ring… Ring… Ring… Y contesta un empleado. Dios le solicita:

Por favor, con el demonio.

¿Cuál de los dos?, contesta el empleado. El pana colorado con cuernos o el coño de su madre de la boina roja.

Nota: Todo aquel que reciba la presente comunicación tiene la obligación, en defensa de la ética y de la democracia, de retransmitirlo a diez amigos. De no continuar con la cadena, sucederá lo peor:

¡CHÁVEZ PODRÁ SER REELEGIDO!

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and Ill be your Support waiter.

Waiter. What seems to be the problem?



Patron: Theres a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly wont be there this time.

Patron: No, its still there.

Waiter: Maybe its the way youre using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.



Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!



Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe its a configuration problem.

How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!



Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!



Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.



Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.

Im running late now!



[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]



Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasnt ready yet.

Patron: Well, Im so hungry now, Ill eat anything.



[waiter leaves.]



Patron: Waiter! Theres a gnat in my soup!



The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

A man goes to the doctor and says: It hurts when I press here (pressing his side)

And when I press here (pressing the other side)



And here (his leg)



And here, here and here (his other leg, and both arms)



So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong. He exclaimed, Youve got a broken finger!

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman? He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

Who was that? asked his wife.

I dont know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.

My wife says if I go fishing one more time shes going to leave me. Gosh, Im going to miss her.

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.

A: She changed all her ys to ks.