Old and New Jokes

Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping
of a particular food.

Rumor has it that Clinton has switched to smoking ciggarettes.

It seems he has decided that cigars are for pussies.

Another blonde, another store. . .

She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:
I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.

Does he use the ball kind? inquired the clerk.

No, replied the blonde, The kind for under his arms.

how do you baby sit a black baby?….
you wet his lips and stick him to a window!

how do you get him off? slide him to the corner!

(im not racest just to let you know)

Nixon:Watergate

Clinton:Waterbed

 

Nixon:His biggest fear – the Cold War

Clinton:His biggest fear – a Cold Sore

 

Nixon:Worried about carpet bombs

Clinton:Worried about carpet burns

 

Nixon:His Vice President was a Greek

Clinton:His Vice President is a geek

 

Nixon:Couldnt stop Kissinger

Clinton:Couldnt stop kissing her

 

Nixon:Couldnt explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape

Clinton:Couldnt explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

 

Nixon:His nickname was Tricky Dick

Clinton:same

 

Nixon:Ex-President

Clinton:Sex-President

 

Nixon:Known for campaign slogan Nixons The One

Clinton:Known for women pointing at him saying, Hes the one!

 

Nixon:Famous for his widows peak

Clinton:Famous for bringing widows to their peak

 

Nixon:Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy

Clinton:Well acquainted with the G Spot

 

Nixon:Took on Ho Chi Minh

Clinton:Took on Ho

 

Nixon:Talked about achieving peace with honor

Clinton:Talked about getting a piece while on her

Best quote from the Bill/Monica scandal is from Dick Armey when asked what he would do in Clintons position: If I were in the Presidents position, I would be looking up from a pool of blood, hearing my wife say How the hell do I reload this thing?

What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween?

Masked potatoes.

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, How much
to replace this, Ian? The proprietor says, Why, Angus, thatll be four pence.
Then the Scotsman asks, How much to repair? The prop. looks the condom over
carefully, and says, Three pence to repair. The Scotsman ponders for a moment,
then says, Ill be back.

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says,
Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!

–Bilbo Baggins
W25Y@CRNLVAX5

A little boy asked his father Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I dont know son, Im still paying.

A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her hubbie. She doesnt know which one to get, so walks over to the register. A Wal-mart associate is standing there with sunglasses on. She says, Excuse me sir … can you tell me anything about this rod and reel? He says, Maam, Im blind, but if youll drop it on the counter I can tell you about it. She didnt believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, Thats a 6 graphite rod with a Zebco 220 reel and a 10-lb test line … Its a good all-around rod and reel, and its $20. She says, Its amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think its what Im looking for, so Ill take it. He walks behind the counter to the register. She bends down to get her purse and farts. At first, shes embarrassed but then realizes that theres no way he would know it was her because being blind, he wouldnt know she was the only person there. He rings up the sale and says, That will be $25.50. She says, But didnt you say it was $20? He says, Yes maam, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart.

Democrats announced today they are changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their partys political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks and gives a sense of security while screwing others.