Old and New Jokes

A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some news. You have HAGS.

What is HAGS the man asks. Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.

Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?

We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

Is that going to help me? says the man.

No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

1. I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Hey, you mustve been doin about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

3. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

4. Youre not gonna check the trunk, are you?

5. I pay your salary!

6. Gee, Officer! Thats terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

7. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. Thats how far ahead of me they are.

8. Officer, I swear to drunk Im god!!

9. Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize my radar detector wasnt plugged in.

10. When the Officer says Gee Son…. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking? You probably shouldnt respond with, Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!

Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation.

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his

father. He opens his dads bedroom door and finds his mom and dad

humping away on the bed! Dad! says Johnny, What are you doing!

Johhnys father stops humping for a second and says Well, Johnny, Im

playing poker…and your mothers the wild card. Oh,says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to

look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brothers bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! Ernie! cried Johnny, What are you doing!. Ernie stops humping for a second and says, Well…Im playing poker, Johnny… and Thelma is the wildcard. Oh, says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnnys dad approached Johnnys room to call him to dinner. He

opens Johnnys bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was

going out of style! Johnny! his father said, I see youre playing

poker, but wheres your wildcard?

Johnny replies, With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!

What driving to the store would be like if operating systems ran your car.

MS-DOS
You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.

Windows
You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

Windows NT
You get in the car and write a letter that says go to the store. Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

Macintosh System 7
You get in the car to go to the store. The car drives you to church instead, because the store has mysteriously exploded.

Apple
As you set out for the store, a hurricane comes up. The streets flood and the windshield wipers quit. You wash up in front of a store on a desert island in the South Pacific.

UNIX
You get in the car and type GREP STORE. You screech off at 200 miles per hour and arrive at the barber shop.

Taligent/Pink
You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

Amiga
You get in the car and tell it to go to the store. It takes you to a shopping mall on the Moon.

VAX
You get in the car and find that the controls are all labeled in Egyptian hieroglyphics. You press several buttons at random and suddenly find yourself parked in front of a store, next to an Apple.

OS/2
After fueling up with 6,000 gallons of fuel, you get in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing you and half the town.

S/36 SSP (mainframe, obviously)
You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400
An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.

Do you know the similarity between a rainbow and an Indian policeman ?
Well, both appear after the storm has abated.

A German, an American, and a Mexican are traveling in the Amazon, and they get captured.

The head of the tribe says to the German, What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The German responds, I will take oil! So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times.

When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, What do you want on your back?

I will take nothing! says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

What will you take on your back? the Amazons ask the American. He responds, Ill take the Mexican.

[Ed: Edited]
(From article <6907@jhunix.HCF.JHU.EDU> in soc.culture.indian:)

Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood

and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the

cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two

weevils.