Old and New Jokes

Man is the king of his castle.

A king is a ruler.



A ruler is 12 inches.



Still think youre a man?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

84. Wipe deoderant all over your roommates walls.

Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.

(Q.)What do you call a bunch of mexicans on a roof?

(A.)Chingos

There was a farmer. He had alot of chickens but had no roosters.

So in order to get eggs he went and got a rooster. The man he got the rooster form told him that the rooster would screw everything in sight. But the farmer wanted the rooster anyway.

So he took it home and it screwed all the chickens. After a while it started screwing all the other farm animals.

So one day the farmer walked up to the rooster and said,Ya better stop screwing everything or you will screw yourself to death! But the rooster just kept on screwing.

One day the farmer was walking through the field, and he found the rooster laying on the ground with buzzards flying all around.

So he walked up to the rooster and said,I told you youd screw yourself to death! then the rooster opened his eyes and said, – SHUT-UP! Im trying to get them to land!

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?

The woman shot her an angry look, Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!

What is the difference between men and women?

– A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.

– A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

On the topic of slugs: (this is a true story)

About 2 years ago, there was a big flap when a 6 year old boy and his
3 year old sister disappeared from their home. The police searched,
the parents freaked, and the media-types looked solemn as they announced
that there was still no trace of the children. The kids showed up a few
days later. It seems that they had run away from home due to some dispute
over second helpings of Ovaltine or some such. The funny part was when
the media-type was interviewing the boy.

Interviewer: Werent you cold at night?

Boy: Naw. We just slept under a porch.

Interviewer: Didnt you get hungry? What did you eat?

Boy: Slugs.

Interviewer: (Turning a delightful shade of green but still game.)
How did you eat them?

Boy: We boiled them in some aluminum foil we stole. They
taste kind of like chicken …

Interviewer: (Going a deeper green.) Back to you, Cathy..

Now there is a real survivalist. Having eaten escargot, (once), Im of the
opinion that snails are just slugs in dress clothes.

As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang.

The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed, Damn it! How should I know? Call the weather bureau! and hung up.

What was that all about? wife asked.

Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10- 12 Luxury Tax……….$30.00

8- 10 Pole Tax………….$25.00

5- 8 Privilege Tax………$15.00

4- 5 Nuisance Tax……….$ 3.00

Males exceeding 12 must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4 is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS

*****NOTE***** We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

– Are there penalties for early withdrawals? – What if ones penis is self employed? – Do multiple partners count as a corporation? – Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? – Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?