Old and New Jokes

There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philipines.

As he stepped out of the aiport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested his destination to be Manila Hotel. As the cab was attempting to make its way out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard.

Out passed a Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese remarked. Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. Verri faast!!

Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high cruising speed. Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri good! Very faast

The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the rear mirror and was quite resented over the Japs proud attitude. At that moment again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of it.

Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!

It was not long after reaching the destinated hotel, the cab halted in front of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed. That will be US$239.40, sir!

Nan desu-ka! What?, the Jap was astonished. The airport verri near to hotel.

Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and very faast.

Buenos Aires (SatireWire.com) — In an effort to fill its depleting ranks of potential leaders, Argentinas Congress today implemented a nationwide draft that requires all citizens age 18 and over to serve as the countrys president for a minimum of two days.

Implementation of the presidential draft is expected to reduce turnover in the position by 50 percent. The decision, however, caused violent unrest in the country of 39 million, as hordes of potential conscripts protested outside government offices.

I love my country, but it is not fair to ask me to sacrifice my future to serve as president, said 19-year-old Manuel Rodriguez, whose low draft number, 0434, makes it likely he will be called up sometime in early 2005.

The nations mothers, meanwhile, joined in the protests. Please do not take my baby away! cried Maria Esconvida, a housewife from Cordoba. Take me instead!

Congressional leaders quickly swore her in before she could take it back.

Copyright © 2000-2002, SatireWire.

A guillotine

Aliens from Somewhere-Out-There just landed on Earth. The Captain and First Mate step out and says: "Creatures of the third planet… erm, we have come from Somewhere-Out-There, and we wish to talk to your leader." No one moves or makes a sound. The First Mate says: "Perhaps they are afraid of us."
The Captain nods and says again in a friendlier voice: "Please, we mean no harm, just let us speak to your leader." Nothing happens. "We mean no harm, we have come in peace." Again nothing happens.
Growing impatient the First Mate says: If you will not take us to your leader, we will have to take one of you on board our ship for examination! When no one makes a move, the Captain pulls out a big laser gun and shouts: "OK, THATS IT, FIRST MATE, TAKE THE ONE ON THE END! CUT HIM AWAY FROM THE EARTH HE LOVES SO MUCH!"
Some blocks away, two police men sit in their car when they see the light from the laser. "Omigod! Did you see that," the first policeman says to the other. They drive to where they saw the light and stop, scratching their heads. "Looks like its been cut off neatly," the first one says. "Yeah, but why? Theyd only get a few dimes out of it." They look around the spot in wonder. And the second says: "Why would anybody want to steal a parking meter?"

In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to stop.

Our guy rolls down the window. How can I help you?

I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?

With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away.

Not even five minutes thereafter he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. What can I do for you?

I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to drink?

Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what.

To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells to the guy, So, let me guess, youre the blue bastard of the asphalt and just what the hell do you wanna have?

Drivers license and registration please.

Chemists fast prayer:
Dear Lord, if I mix sodium
with concentrated HNO3,
and add to it Plutonium,
would you take care on me?

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots.

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the brides toast and coffee, she said, Honey, I dont understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like youve encountered a buzz saw.
That guy, said the bride, double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!

Estaban tres elefantes en medio de la selva echadotes porque hacía mucho calor.

Uno de ellos dice: Yo quisiera tener las orejas muy muy grandes.

Los otros dos le preguntan: para que las quieres?

Ahhh, pues para hechar mucho aire con ellas y así refrescarnos un poco.

Otro de los elefantes dice entonces:

Pues yo quisiera tener la trompa bien laaarga.

¿Y para qué la quieres? dicen los otros dos.

Ahhh, pues para que llegara hasta el río y asi echarnos agua sin levantarnos.

Entonce el tercer elefante dice:

Pues yo quisiera tener unas pestañotas largas y bien chinas.

¿Y eso para qué? preguntan los otros.

Y el elefante contesta:

Ahh, pues nada mas de joto (gay).

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.

Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.

Active socially: Drinks heavily.