Old and New Jokes

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Lets see who can go downhill the fastest.

Sign in Kings Canyon in California. Slow Parking Ahead

A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads: Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!

Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It is physically impossible! she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

To this, the teacher said, What if Jonah went to hell?

The little girl replied, Then YOU ask him!

Se despierta un día en la mañana una señora y se espanta al ver que tiene una teta que le llega hasta el ombligo. Consternada se dirige con su médico.

¡Doctor, tengo un grave problema!

Dígame, señora.

Pues fíjese que en la mañana me desperté y me di cuenta que tenía un seno mayor que el otro.

No me diga, ¿pues qué fue lo que comió o qué ha hecho?

Nada, doctor, lo único es que en la intimidad, cuando me voy a dormir, mi esposo se duerme agarrándome un seno.

¡Ay señora, eso es de lo más normal! También cuando me acuesto, le agarro un seno a mi mujer.

Sí, pendejo, pero usted no se duerme en una litera.

Dos policías novatos se encuentran tres granadas de mano en la calle y deciden llevarlas a la comisaría.

¿Y si nos estalla una?, pregunta el más joven.

No te preocupes, lo tranquiliza el otro, diremos que sólo había dos.

Was there money on the Ark?

Yes:The duck had a bill,the skunk had a scent,and the frog had a greenback.

Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
You dont have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
Its OK when the person youre with fantasizes youre someone else, because you ARE someone else.
40 years from now, youll still enjoy candy.
If you dont get what you want, you can always go next door.
Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
Less guilt the next morning.
AND
You can do the whole neighborhood!!!

Santas Reindeer are girls and heres the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santas reindeer,every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We shouldve known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

Dear God,

Please make me less critical and perfectionistic.
By that i mean 101% to the accuracy of 0.000000000001. Id like no more, and no less. If you cannot achieve that, boy, you sure ARE flawed and NON-omnipotent. I only worship PERFECT beings.