Old and New Jokes

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

Im sorry sir, but I am blind and cant read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, Ill smell it and order from there.

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind mans table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

Ahh, yes thats what Ill have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owners wife and he tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

Sir, remember ? Im the blind man.

Im sorry, I didnt recognise you. Ill go get you a dirty fork.

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, That smells great, Ill take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in hes going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back just as the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says…

Hey! I didnt know that Mary worked here!

Gary matched Dan, drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was bothering him.

Gentle prodding was ignored until after downing his ninth, Dan blurted out, OK, its your wife.

My wife? his friend demanded. What about my wife?

I think shes cheating on us.

Una pareja de sexagenarios acude a la consulta de un terapista sexual. Sin más preámbulos, el caballero le dice: ¿Doctor, pudiera usted observarnos mientras tenemos un coito?

El médico queda un poco atónito, pero acepta. Cuando la pareja termina, el doctor les dice: No hay nada de malo en la forma como ustedes lo hacen, y les cobra $32.

Esto sucede varias semanas seguidas. La pareja hacía una cita, llegaba, tenían relaciones sin problemas, pagaban al doctor y salían.

Finalmente el doctor les pregunta: ¿Qué es exactamente lo que ustedes están buscando? ¿cuál es el problema que tienen?

El viejo le dice:

Mire doctor, le voy a ser sincero. Ella es casada y no podemos ir a su casa, yo soy casado y no podemos ir a mi casa. El Holiday Inn cobra $50, el Hilton $78; aquí lo hacemos por $32 y el seguro me reconoce $28.

Había llegado el verano y los búfalos abundaban en la llanura de la tribu apache. Un día de esos, el jefe de la tribu manda reunir al pueblo para platicarles la situación.

JEFE: Yo tener noticia mala y noticia buena… ¿cual querer primero?

PUEBLO: ¡La mala! ¡Dinos la mala!

JEFE: Que desde hoy en adelante nosotros comer caca de búfalo.

Todo el pueblo lo abuchea y preguntan: ¿Y la buena cual es?

JEFE: ¡Que va a haber mucha!

Un señor con evidentes señales de agotamiento físico se presenta ante el médico.

Cada noche que llego a mi casa -explica el paciente- me echo el primero, más o menos normal. Me echo el segundo y empiezo a sentir cansancio y decaimiento. Al tercero me duele el cerebro y se activan las palpitaciones del corazón. Ya para el cuarto sudo abundantemente, los dolores de cabeza se vuelven intolerables, el corazón quiere salirse del pecho. Para el quinto realmente no puedo, doctor, porque los riñones…

¡Párele, amigo, párele! Claro que eso tiene que suceder, es lógico, normal.

Pero doctor, es que vivo en el sexto y no hay elevador…

Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

there are 3 israelis AVI GOLAN AND NIR. these guys are smart as can be. these three just finished high school and they fly all the way from tel aviv israel to cancun. they get to cancun and saw only girls. but girls that you will die for. AVi GOLAN and NIR were the pimps in cancun. they would have sex with each and every girls when they disere. untill one day the kind returned form his palace and found out AVI GOLAN and NIR had sex with his girls. the man caught the 3 guys and said you GOLAN what does your dad do for a living? he says my dad works with chainsaws. the king simply takes a chain saw takes his private off. the second man NIR what does your dad do for a living? NIR says my dad works with steak knives the kind got a steak knife and cut his private off. the 3rd one AVI was smart his dad worked with guns. the king asks AVI what does your dad do for a living? my dad sells ice cream bars so bend down and start licking the kind shut up and walked away.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!Dumbfounded, the officer said Ill have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.I doubt it, said the man, tonight Im the designated decoy.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Dont be irreplaceable; if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If at first you dont succeed, dont try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.

If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

It doesnt matter what you do; it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.