Old and New Jokes

Dos policías novatos se encuentran tres granadas de mano en la calle y deciden llevarlas a la comisaría.

¿Y si nos estalla una?, pregunta el más joven.

No te preocupes, lo tranquiliza el otro, diremos que sólo había dos.

Was there money on the Ark?

Yes:The duck had a bill,the skunk had a scent,and the frog had a greenback.

Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
You dont have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
Its OK when the person youre with fantasizes youre someone else, because you ARE someone else.
40 years from now, youll still enjoy candy.
If you dont get what you want, you can always go next door.
Doesnt matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
Less guilt the next morning.
AND
You can do the whole neighborhood!!!

Santas Reindeer are girls and heres the proof:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santas reindeer,every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!

We shouldve known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!

Dear God,

Please make me less critical and perfectionistic.
By that i mean 101% to the accuracy of 0.000000000001. Id like no more, and no less. If you cannot achieve that, boy, you sure ARE flawed and NON-omnipotent. I only worship PERFECT beings.

A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, Sweetie, why dont you give me a blowjob?

What? Youre crazy!

Dont worry, it will be quick, no problem.

No!! Someone may see — a relative, a neighbor…

At this time of the night? No one will show up…

Ive already said No, and NO!

Honey, its just a small blowie…I know youd like it, too…

No! Ive said NO!

My love… Dont be like that…

At this moment, the girlfriends younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for Gods sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evenings lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well.

When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?

That is an extremely simple question, he responded.

So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
 
Whats the matter, Mr. President? The Vice President inquired.
 

 
Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time! The President beamed.
 

 
How long did it take you?
 

 
Well, the box said 3 to 5 Years but I did it in a month!

Bathroom
scales: equipment which only seems to work correctly when one
holds on to towel rail, stands on one foot and leans hard to the left.