Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If its the flu, youll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Cause youre fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.

A: So whats your question?

Q: Whats the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?

A: Nothing (if the pregnant womans husband knows whats good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out youre pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.