December 14th

Dearest John:



I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.



With dearest love and affection, Agnes



————————————–



December 15th



Dearest John:



Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. Im just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.



All my love, Agnes



——————



December 16th



Dear John:



Oh, arent you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I dont deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. youre just too kind.



Love Agnes



———



December 17th



Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.



Affectionately, Agnes



———————



December 18th



Dearest John:



What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.



All my love, Agnes



——————



December 19th



Dear John:



When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So youre back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!



Cordially, Agnes



—————-



December 20th



John:



Whats with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? Theres bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. Im a nervous wreck and I cant sleep all night. ITS NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those fucking birds.



Sincerely, Agnes



—————-



December 21st



OK Buster:



I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? Its not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I cant move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.



Ag



—————-



December 22nd



Hey Shithead:



What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now theres nine pipers playing. And Christ – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. Youll get yours.



From Ag



—————-



December 23rd



You Rotten Prick:



Now theres ten ladies dancing – I dont know why I call those sluts ladies. Theyve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows cant sleep and theyve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldnt be condemned. Im sic-ing the police on you.



One who means it, Ag



——————–



December 24th



Listen Fuckhead:



Whats with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre satisfied, you rotten swine.



Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister



————————————–



December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Buggar)



Dear Sir:



This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.