Daddy, why doesnt this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got!
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. REAL friends help you move bodies.
Im as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The secret of the universe is @*^^^&# NO CARRIER
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Im not a complete idiot…some parts are missing!
Always remember youre unique, just like everybody else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
Theres too much blood in my alcoholic system.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents mistakes…use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I wont rise to the occasion, but Ill slide over to it.
Double your drive space…delete Windows!
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between drunkness.
I use to have a handle on life; then it broke.
I dont suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When theres a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth; how about a Fountain of Smart?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Intel: We put the um… in Pentium.
C:windows
C:windows
un
C:windowscrash
Archive for January, 2019
My girlfriend and some of her friends went in to Burger King a few months
ago, interested in getting those Barnyard Commandos that they were
offering a while ago. She walked up to the counter, asked for them, and was
politely informed that one has to purchase something to get them.
She then said, Sometimes you gotta break the rules.
She got them.
Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho? Sardarji replies Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun
A man with a nagging secret couldnt keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
What did you take? his priest asked.
Enough to build my own house and enough for my sons house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.
This is very serious, the priest said. I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?
No, Father, I havent, the man replied. But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water. They build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary cant believe it!
He says, Whats wrong with you? Were being boiled alive! Theyre gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?
The other missionary says, I just peed in the soup!
Al llegar al cielo habÃa una entrada para hombres y otra para mujeres. Por la entrada de hombres, habÃa dos puertas, una con un letrero que decÃa: MI MUJER MANDABA EN MI CASA, y otra con un letrero que decÃa YO MANDABA EN MI CASA.
Como es de suponerse, en la primera puerta, habÃa una cantidad enorme de hombres esperando, mientras que en la segunda puerta, no habÃa nadie. Un dÃa un recién llegado al cielo tomó la opción de entrar por la segunda puerta. Todos los presentes se sorprendieron muchÃsimo, y cuchicheaban entre sÃ, hasta que por fin alguien se animó a preguntarle al recién llegado la razón de que hubiera elegido esa puerta, a lo que el hombre respondió:
Es que mi mujer me dijo que me formara aquÃ.
Things you dont want to hear during surgery:
1. Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor – were going to need a mop
3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?
6. Hand me that… uh… that uh… thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again…
10. Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Hell, the guys got two of em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; its throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family wont miss him
15. And now we remove the subjects brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Dont worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = naaaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:
tiperiter = a word processor
colering book = a graphics program
addin mershene = calculator
scratch paper = notepad
jupe-box = CD player
inner-net = microsoft explorer
pichers = a graphics viewer
IRS = M/S accounting software
IRS2 = M/S accounting sofware with hidden files
coon dog = American Kennel Club records
fishin = Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA = National Rifle Association
shot gun = Remington arms price list
riffel = Winchester price list
pisstel = Smith and Wesson price list
truck = Ford and Chevrolet dealers in Kentucky by zip code
house = nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
car = same as truck
cuzzins = family history (usuall a 3 meg file)
tax records = usually an empty file
shells ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
bud = list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin = NASCAR racing schedule includes a list of tv stations that carry the races car n truck parts = nearest junk yard by zip code
doc = vetrinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the West Virginia edition. You may return it to Micrsosoft for a replacement version
What women say… …What they mean…
——————————————————————-
Cant we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going
to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.
I just need some space …without you in it
Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do
it for me.
Do I look fat in this dress? We havent had a fight in a while
No, pizzas fine Cheap bastard
I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boy-
friend now
I dont know; what do you want to I cant believe that you have
do? nothing planned
Come here My puppy does this too
I like you but… I dont like you
You never listen You never listen
Were moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you
until I find out if this guy in Bio
has a girlfriend
Ill be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make
you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no
way I am going dutch
Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get
this over with
Im just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy and make
fun of you and your freinds
Theres no one else I am doing your brother
Size doesnt count… unless I want an orgasm