Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do.

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, I wonder if its magic. I think Ill rub it and find out.

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, Im your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.

Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, Give me a million dollars. So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the one condition.

Next the man said, Id like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast. So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.

Finally the genie said, You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.

So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.

Un granjero y su joven esposa vivían en el campo y un cura los visitaba de vez en cuando y ellos lo invitaban a cenar un caldo de gallina.

Esto siguió por algún tiempo y el cura empezó a ir prácticamente todos los días. El granjero tenía que irse a trabajar en el campo mientras el cura acompañaba a la joven esposa, y cada vez que el granjero regresaba, su esposa le pedía que matara una gallina para la cena.

Después de un duro día de trabajo el granjero estaba metiendo el tractor al granero cuando su esposa se asomó a la puerta de la casa y le gritó que le llevara una gallina para que pudiera cocinársela al cura. El granjero, que ya no aguantaba al sacerdote, gritó: ¡A joder con el curita!

A lo que la joven esposa replicó: Eso ya lo hice, pero de todos modos necesito la gallina.

Two Irishmen are the only survivors in a shipwreck.Floating helplessly in a lifeboat they come across a lamp floating in the ocean. Paddy reaches out and grabs the lamp and after rubbing it a genie appears. The genie immediately says you are granted one wish. Paddy and Mickey both look at each other in astonishment then Paddy yells make the whole ocean into the best tasting beer ever. With the clap of his hands and a thunderous crash the ocean becomes the finest brew known to man.With the suds gently lapping against the sides of the boat,Mickey with an angry roar yells Oh! Thats great.Now we have to piss in the boat!

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says, Youve lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.

The cat thinks for a minute and says Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor… The Lord stops the cat and says Say no more! Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer: All of our lives weve been chased. Weve had to run from cats, from tractors, even from that farmers wife with her broom. Were tired of running… Say no more! The Lord replies. In a flash, eachmouse is fitted with a beautiful new pair of roller skates, and they skate happily off to explore the Heavenly landscape.

About a week later The Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing away. He gently wakes the cat and asks, How are things since you got here?

The cat stretches, yawns, and replies Oh, it is wonderful here. I get a lot of great sleep on this pillow, and those Meals On Wheels youve been sending are the BEST!!!

Xerox does it again and again and again and…

Three blondes are walking down the beach And they find a magic bottle with a genie inside. When the genie comes out he says, Im a magic genie and I will grant each of you one wish.

The first blonde says,Ok, then I want to be a thousand times smarter!
Then,*POOF*, her hair turns brown and she goes off to become a brain surgeon.

The second blonde says,I want to be a million times smarter!
So,*POOF*, her hair turns black and she goes off to find a cure for cancer.

Then, the third blonde (a true blonde) says, I want to be a million times DUMBER!
And,*POOF*, she turns into a man!

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196 years old!

Alice works in a chemists on Saturdays with her dad who is the pharmacist. One weekend, her dad decides to have the morning off and to leave Alice to mind the shop.

Now, pay attention, he says. Under the counter are two piles of brown paper bags with condoms in them. If a man comes in and asks for a £1 bag, give him one of the small left-hand bags. If a man comes in and asks for a £1.75 bag, give him one of the bigger right-hand bags. Got that?

Alice nods and dad goes home for a nap.

During the morning, Alice is doing a roaring trade in £1 and £1.75 bags. Nearing lunchtime, an enormous 66 black man walks into the shop.

Can I help you? asks Alice.

Yes, give me £3.50 please demands the man.

Alice looks the man up and down, looks at the piles of bags and dashes
into the back of the shop to phone her dad.

What is it? he asks. Have you sold all the bags?

No!! cries Alice. Theres this man in there asking for £3.50!

Ah, says the chemist knowingly. Is he a huge black man, about 66 tall?

Yes!! shrieks Alice, nearly hysterical.

Give him the bloody money then girl, hes the windowcleaner.

Daddy, why doesnt this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got!
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. REAL friends help you move bodies.
Im as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The secret of the universe is @*^^^&# NO CARRIER
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Im not a complete idiot…some parts are missing!
Always remember youre unique, just like everybody else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
Theres too much blood in my alcoholic system.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents mistakes…use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I wont rise to the occasion, but Ill slide over to it.
Double your drive space…delete Windows!
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between drunkness.
I use to have a handle on life; then it broke.
I dont suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When theres a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth; how about a Fountain of Smart?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Intel: We put the um… in Pentium.
C:windows
C:windows
un
C:windowscrash