A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.



The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.



After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.



No, Im sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I cant use an oral thermometer.



This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.



After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!



She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the mans doctor comes into the room.



Whats going on here? asked the doctor.



Angrily, the man answers, Whats the matter, Doc? Havent you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?



After a pause, the doctor replies, Yes, but never with a daffodil!

10. When filling out your drivers license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is Hi, whats your URL?



8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.



7. Youre amazed to find out spam is a food.



6. You ping people to see if theyre awake, finger them to find out how they are, and AYT them to make sure theyre listening to you.



5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.



4. You introduce your wife as my lady@home.wife and refer to your children as client applications.



3. At social functions you introduce your husband as my domain server.



2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, I feel so colon-right parentheses!



And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:



1. Two Words: Pizzas Here!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

106. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then hide the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, Oh, hes around here, somewhere.

Two wrongs dont make a right but three lefts do.

Yo mama so fat she got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream.

By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: Dont worry, I am going to save you.

The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause).

So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking thru the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh)

The elephant shouts Dont worry chicken I will save you.

So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Sucess! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety.

Moral of the story: If you have a big dick you dont need a red Porsche to pull a chick.

1. You truly dont care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.

2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.

3. You can call anyone honey including pets.

4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.

5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.

6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.

7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.

8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.

9. You really have been there, done that.

10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.

11. Youre the only type of male who gets to say fabulous.

12. You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home.

13. You can have naked men you dont know in your home.

14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.

15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.

16. You understand why the good Lord didnt intend everyone to wear it.

17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.

18. You know that the most important part of a partys decor is the catering staff.

19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

20. You can smile to let someone know you cant stand them.

21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.

22. Youre good pals with women other people cant stand.

23. Youve always got an opinion.

24. Youve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

25. You know how to dress strategically.

26. Your car has an amusing female name.

27. Youre the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.

28. Youve got at least one framed picture of a pet.

29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.

30. You know that sex complicates things. So?

31. You know that being called a cheap slut isnt actually an insult.

32. Theres a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.

33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.

34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.

35. You have at least one movie musical on video.

36. Youre not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.

37. Youre embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.

38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.

39. You know how to make an entrance.

40. You know when to make an exit.

41. You worry about people you dont even know – like Liza Minnelli.

42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

43. You know how to program your VCR.

44. Youve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.

46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.

47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.

48. You know when to play dumb.

49. You know what to do for a hangover.

50. Yes, you do have a condom.

51. Youve called someone girlfriend who is neither a girl nor a friend.

52. One or more of the following apply to you:

a) You adore Judy Garland

b) You hate Judy Garland

c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.

d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.

e) You dont give a damn about Judy Garland.

f) Who is Judy Garland?

53. You can supply the last names to the following list:

a) Bernadette

b) Chita

c) Barbra

54. You made Donna Summer a star.

55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.

56. Tanning salons were invented for you.

57. Youve made sunbathing a performance art.

58. You know when the partys over.

59. You know where to go after the partys over.

60. Youre fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.

61. When you hear a stitch in time saves nine you think of

a) Your grandma

b) Your face lift

c) John Wayne Bobbit

62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.

63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your roommate.

64. You know that referring to someone as a real lady isnt necessarily a compliment.

65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.

66. If your cat is a female, you swear its a lesbian.

67. If your cat is a male, you swear its a lesbian.

68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like Stand by your man.

69. Youve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.

70. Youll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.

71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.

72. You have a favorite Disney character and its usually a nasty one.

73. Youve left someone totally speechless.

74. Youve shaved something other than your face.

75. All your friends do not have to get along.

76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.

77. Your love handles are actually used as such.

78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.

79. Youve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.

80. Youve got the most interesting coffee table books.

81. You know where to find a meat rack and it aint in your kitchen drawer.

82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.

83. At some moment in your life youve envisioned having back-up girls.

84. You know your enemies.

85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And hes right there in the shower.

86 Youre Barbra Streisands biggest fan.

87. You know that Barbra Streisands biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.

88 Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes youve added side dishes.

89. You know that small talk can be about spirituality or politics, and important issues can be about hair.

90. Youve actually lived out some of your fantasies.

91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.

92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.

93. You know, by heart, every line in:

a) All about Eve

b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show

c) Your face

94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.

95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.

96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.

97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.

98. Even if youre in Kansas, youre not in Kansas anymore.

99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.

100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

Collards is green

my dogs name is Blue

and Im so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze

Softer than Blues

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You aint got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yore as satisfyn as okry

jist a-fryn in the pan.

Yore as fragrant as snuff

right out of the can.

You have soma yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when were in a crowd.

On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, Im in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yore there fer yore man,

to patch up lifes troubles

and fix what you can.

Yore as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin overhead.

You aint mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Aint nuttin I lack.

Yore complexion, its perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin.

Me n yous like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentines Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

its romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

Thats impressive, I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

Diamonds are forever,

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these wont do.

Cause yore too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds…

Its a new trollin motor!!

(on David Letterman, week of 3/13):

My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks
like a regular guy–no earring or anything. But really
I think a man with an earring is better prepared for
marriage. I mean, hes already experienced pain and bought
jewelry.

— Rita Rudner

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?

A: Theyre all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if theres an elephant in bed with you?

A: She has a big E on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why wont they allow elephants in public swimming pools?

A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big twats.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?

A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?

A: Cos sheep dont have strings.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?

A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephants sex organ?

A: His foot… If he steps on you youre FUCKED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?

A: A pachydermatologist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?

A: Can I be on top this time?

Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?