Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

An italian, a mexican, and a redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on. The italian opens his lunch and looks in and says Salami again! If I get salami one more day, Im gonna jump off this building The mexican opens his lunch and says Burrito again! If I get a burrito one more day, I am gonna jump off this building The redneck opens his lunch and says P-nut butter and jelly again! If I get p-nut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building. The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds salami so he jumps off the building. The mexican opens his lunch and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building. The redneck opens his lunch and finds p-nut butter and jelly so he jumps off the building. Later, at the funeral the Italians wife cries out I didnt know he disliked salami so much The mexicans wife cries out I wish I knew he was so sick of burritos The redneck wife says Hey, dont look at me, he always fixed his own lunch!

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.

He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth – 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.

Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.

When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him – yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.

God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.

Do you know what the letter said?

Oh, so you didnt get one either?

This 14 year old girl was to lazy to throw away her tampons so decided to start throwing them in the basement. Well,34 years came by and her basement was flooded in tampons. She got an idea to put a contest in the newspaper, The first person to stay down in my basement for 48 hours I will sign a check for him/her for $3,000. The first person came,went down her basement and came back up with puke all over his face and left after 10 minutes. The second went down and came back up 24 hours later askin her how she expects anybody to stay down there. The third person came and came back up 48 hours later and the lady shocked asked him how he did it. He replied It smelled really gross down there but it was fine since u left me some pizza rolls to eat.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.



Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?



The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast?



$7.98. said the butcher.



A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

Q: Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.



Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If its the flu, youll get better.



Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.



Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex?

A: Childbirth.



Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Cause youre fatter than they are.



Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.

A: So whats your question?



Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.



Q: My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.



Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.



Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.



Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.



Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.



Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

This joke is from the opening paragraph of Stephen Hawkings book,
A Brief History of Time.

A well-known scientist (some say it was Bertrand Russell) once gave a
public lecture on astronomy. He described how the earth orbits around
the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the center of a vast
collection of stars called our galaxy. At the end of the lecture, a
little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: What you have
told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the
back of a giant tortoise.

The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, What is the
tortoise standing on?

Youre very clever, young man, very clever, said the old lady.
But its turtles all the way down!

A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi, two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant, a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese man, an Irishman, an Englishman, an American, and a Scotsman walked into a bar.

The barman said, Hey, what kind of joke is this?

Ever walk into a room and forget what you came in for?

Well, thats probably how dogs spend most of their lives…

How do you make a blonde laugh on Sunday? Tell her a joke on Thursday!