Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, Its the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but Ill be damned if I didnt lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!

How many paranoid delusionals does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who wants to know? Why do you want to know? Who sent you? Elvis, is that you?

A doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains asks her if she is sexually active. She says that she is not. An examination shows that she is pregnant.

Asked why she said she was not sexually active, the woman replied, Im not, I just lie there.

Well, do you know who the father is? the doctor asks.

With a puzzled look she replies, No. Who?

A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as She or Her. But was unsure what was proper for computers. To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female. The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as HE because: 1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model. 5. Size does matter.The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as SHE because: 1. No one but the creator understands their logic.

2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.

He turns to bartender and says, Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..

STOP pal – I dont allow talk about politics in my bar! interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again, People say about the Pope …

NO religion talk, either, the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom… I thought the Yankees would…

NO sports talk…Thats how fights start in bars! the barman said.

Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?

Sure, that we can talk about, replies the barkeep.

GREAT… GO SCREW YOURSELF!

A six-year old boy was the only survivor of a sinking ocean liner; he made it to an uninhabited island in the South Pacific and learned to live on his own over the course of the years.

Much later, a fancy yacht sank and a beautiful young woman came swimming up to his island. He pulled her to shore, delighted to finally have some company. She asked him, How have you gotten along here by yourself?

Ive found different plants to eat, I dig for clams, and I occasionally can spear a fish in the lagoon

How long have you been here?

Almost twenty years.

Well, you probably never even knew about sex, then, did you?

Whats that?

So she shows him. Afterwards she asked him what he thought about what theyd just accomplished.

He said, Well, it was just fine, but look at what it did to my clam digger.

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you, Ive changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell till I met you.

Looking back over the years that weve been together, I cant help but wonder:

What the heck was I thinking?

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope its your sister.

As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me.

Like the need for therapy…

Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!

Money is tight, times are hard, heres your @#$/& Christmas card!!!

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. Youll probably need it again.

Sorry things didnt work out, but I cant handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine.

When we were together, you always said youd die for me.

Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family wont be with you, since Im taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!

* Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
* On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
* The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
* The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
* Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
* Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
* The patient refused autopsy.
* The patient has no previous history of suicides.
* Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
* Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
* Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
* Since she cant get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might want to work her up.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
* The skin was moist and dry.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
* Patient was alert and unresponsive.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
* Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
* Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* The patient was to have a bowel resection.
* However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
* Skin: somewhat pale but present.
* The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
* Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
* Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
* She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
* Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. No one will answer.

A man takes his wife out deer hunting for the first time. Its early in the morning and the husband is explaining the rules to his wife, Now, remember these woods have a lot of greedy people in them, so if you shoot a deer, run right over to it and guard it. If you dont, someone else will take your deer away.
The wife nods okay.
And, if you get in trouble, shoot your gun in the air three times. Ill be there as soon as I can.
And again the wife nods okay.
Now, this is what were going to do. See that ridge to your right? Youre going to sit on top of that one, and I will sit on this one to the left. They both agree and go to their seperate ways.
About thirty minutes after sunrise, the husband hears a gunshot come from the ridge his wife is sitting on. He thinks to himself, Cool, her first time out deer hunting and she gets one!
Five more minutes pass, and he hears three gunshots come from the other ridge. He thinks, Oh, great. Now shes in trouble. Being the good husband he was, he ran over to the other ridge.
As he reached the top, he came into a clearing where his wife was holding off another man with her gun. The man is pleading with the wife, saying, Okay, lady, hes a deer, and hes yours, just let me get my saddle off.