A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.
Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know its none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"
"Well," slurred the man, "Theres a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then its time for me to go home."

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?

A: Divorcee.

Heard on CBC Radio Prime Time:

Why wont the NHL let Hamilton have a hockey franchise?

Because then Toronto would want one too.

A Jew and a Christian are being chased by the cops


the Christian driver asks the Jew if the cops are still after them.

The Jew asks how do i know?

Christian: are there bright lights on a car behind us?

Jew: yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no.

Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground."Wow," said the first guy. "I wonder how deep it is?""I dunno," said the second. "Lets find out." With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waitedand waited, but didnt hear it hit bottom."Hmm. Lets try a bigger rock," said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didnt hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie, which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down the mineshaft.While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if theyd seen a goat."Yeah, just now," said one of the first two guys. "It just ran up and jumped down this hole.""Oh, well then it couldnt have been my goat," said the third guy. "My goat was tied to an old railroad tie."

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Un borracho entra en un bar; se acerca a la barra y pide una cerveza. Mientras se la bebe dice en voz alta y muy embriagado:

Todos los que están a mi derecha de la barra son unos imbéciles. Y todos los que están a mi izquierda son unos gilipollas.

Salta uno de los de su izquierda y reclama:

¡Perdona, pero yo no soy un gilipollas!

Pues pasa al otro lado, ¡IMBÉCIL!

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfields ear:



10. Got a little carried away after seeing Face/Off



9. Really wanted to win first prize on Americas Funniest Home Videos



8. Like this doesnt happen every year in the Masters



7. Whenever Moe bites Curlys ear, its hilarious!



6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith



5. I guess youve never heard of a little thing called strategy



4. Ears is tasty



3. It was self-defense — he wouldnt stop punching me!



2. Disqualified sounds better than got his ass kicked all over the ring



1. He ran out of gum

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.



The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.



And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying Dont worry, itll be up any minute now….