Prince Charles admitted to been a Star Trek fan. My thought: Isnt that unusual that a 50 year old man with no job living with his mother is a fan.

In the front yard of a funeral home, Drive carefully, well wait.

On an electricians truck, Let us remove your shorts.

Outside a radiator repair shop, Best place in town to take a leak.

In a non-smoking area, If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a maternity room door, Push, Push, Push.

On a front door, Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

At an optometrists office, If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.

On a taxidermists window, We really know our stuff.

On a butchers window, Let me meat your needs.

On a butchers window, You can beat our prices, but you cant beat our meat.

On a fence, Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

At a car dealership, The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.

Outside a muffler shop, No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.

In a dry cleaners emporium, Drop your pants here.

On a desk in a reception room, We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

In a veterinarians waiting room, Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the electric company, We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.

In a Beauty Shop, Dye now!

In a Beauty Shop, We curl up and Dye for you.

On the side of a garbage truck, Weve got what it takes to take what youve got. (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, Dont stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Inside a bowling alley, Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

In a cafeteria, Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

A guy just died and hes at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, You know, I cant see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED – youre in.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of em ripping the clothes off this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a Huge Guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leaders chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, Leave this poor innocent girl alone! Youre all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!

St. Peter, impressed, says, Really? When did this happen?

Oh, about two minutes ago.

Worf: Captain, there are three Romulan warships
uncloaking dead ahead.
Picard: On screen.
[The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each
only a single pixel wide.]
Picard: Data, whats wrong here?
Data: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have
sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I
suggest that you select a lower resolution?
Picard: Make it so.
[The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space
Invaders.]
Picard: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
Data: Aye, sir.
[Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over,
and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons
on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of
light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
Worf: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
Picard: Shields up!
Data: Im sorry, Captain, but I am still
attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait
until I have finished before you issue your next command.
Picard: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is
*important*! I want those shields up *right now*.
Data: Im sorry, Captain, but I am still
attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait
until I have finished before you issue your next command.
Laforge: Allow me, captain. [to Data]
Control-alt-delete, Data.
[Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
floor.]
Data: The Romulans are not responding to my hails.
Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to
close this communications channel which is not responding. You will
lose any information sent by the Romulans.
[LaForge pulls Datas left ear.]
Picard: Shields…
[There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all
the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts
from Wesley Crushers station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away
from the console.]
Picard: Up, Data!
Data: Aye, sir.
Riker: All decks, damage report!
Worf: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He
appears to be unconscious.
[Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the
hourglass back on the floor.]
Data: Shields are now up, captain.
Picard: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all
phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
Worf: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the
weapons console.]
Picard: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for
evasive action.
Data: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the
proper device driver installed for that console.
Picard: Well, damn it, install the right one.
Data: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
nostril.
Picard: Number One, where do we keep Datas setup
implants?
Riker: I left them with Geordi.
Laforge: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought
you still had them!
Picard: Data, dont you have device drivers stored
in your internal memory?
Data: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant
#1 in my right nostril.
Picard: Data, I dont *have* Setup Implant #1.
Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort,
Retry, Fail?
Picard: Abort!
Data: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort,
Retry, Fail?
Picard: Well, fail, then!
Data: Current nose is no longer valid.
[Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship
lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side
of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming
from somewhere else in the ship.]
Laforge: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
Picard: Number One, do we have a customer service
number for Data?
Riker: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call
them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to
anyone. And that person wasnt knowledgeable about androids of Datas
model. She specialized in industrial control robots.
[Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all
the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a
few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the
console, absolutely motionless.]
Picard: Whats going on?
Laforge: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant
Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine
core.
Picard: These androids look really sharp, but you
cant really do anything with them.
[The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a
Ferengi, appears moments later.]
Ferengi: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest
you in a Macintosh ?

1) God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

2) I dont have a license to kill. I have a learners permit.

3) I wasnt born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

4) Keep honking while I reload.

5) Taxation WITH representation isnt so hot, either!

6) Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

7) 5 days/week my body is a temple. The other two, its an amusement park.

8) EARTH FIRST! Well stripmine the other planets later.

9) Your child may be an honor student but youre still an idiot.

10) If you drink, dont park. Accidents cause people.

11) If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

12) Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

13) My wife complains I never listen to her…or something like that.

14) Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a Native American!

15) If we are what we eat; Im cheap, fast, and easy.

16) Stop repeat offenders. Dont re-elect them!

What do you call a mother cow that lost her calf?

Decafinated

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued…

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy, he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

Oh, really? she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. In that case, wed better run it through again…

People are scared to touch your wifes bathrobe.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? Because thats where your supposed to wash vegetables.

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT…
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after youve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And itll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like So THIS is screwing! and howling like a cat thats being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.

2. I fully understand that a womans main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman – it will be my fault. Even if I wasnt there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as making love), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname.

7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then Ill invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have ruined me for other men.

10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so youre in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course.

Signed:_____________________________
Date:________________