Last year Mrs JimJr and I took separate vacations. I cleaned out the garage, while she straightened up the basement.

Mrs JimJr is something to take on vacation anyway. I swear!!! That woman is descended from Noah. She takes two of everything.

Last time we went down to Hilton Head in South Carolina, we got lucky and made real good time. The main highway was open while the detour was being repaired.

I once worked with a very attractive single girl who loved to go on vacation. Each year when Rene returned, shed give ya a beau-by-beau account of her two weeks.

Italy was fantastic. Rome took my breath away. Venice left me speechless. And then there was Florence… she got me for over $500 in Travelers Checks.

Mrs JimJr seems to feel one should get their moneys worth on vacation. Im not sure if Im supposed to frolic every minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, she came out of the surf and said, This is costing us $300 a day — and you sit there reading a book !

As a vacation for the parents more than the kids, some people send their kids to camp. Imagine how frantic one Mother became when she received a post card with: Dear Mom, I told you if you made me go to camp something terrible would happen. Well, it did. Love, Bonnie.

Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to a the other chicken who is your favorite music composer?

The second chicken responds bach, bach, bach!

Female makes the rules.
Rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.
Male cant possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
Female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say.
Rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
Female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
Male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
Female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the females being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
Male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
No circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
Male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female.
Female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
Female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.
The female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
Act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject pleas for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?
But why? asks the man.
Im a divorce lawyer.

As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story
is somewhat painful. This is a true story which happened during the late
1970s. My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the
time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.

There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of
Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local
volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat
from a tree. Since this was a questionable call, the fire control
dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond.
The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening
and it shouldnt be a problem for the volunteers to respond.

The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an
extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support
the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire
hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested
an alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported the
ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at
about half its height.

The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup
truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over.
One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his
reach.

The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.

The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of
Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.

This incident adds a rather new definition to the word catapult.

Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive
praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds. Please note
that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who
perform a dedicated and essential community function.

A farmer had three sons. One day, his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said, Son, come here. He took him to the barn, pointed to the tractor and said, This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as its paid for, well get you a car. The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him, wanting a motorcycle. Well, the father said, as soon as the tractor is paid for well see about getting you your scooter. Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his fathers explanation, saw the farm rooster doing its rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad asked, Son, now why would you do something like that? He didnt do anything to deserve that. The third son replied, Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A: 100. One to make the batter and 99 to crack the shells on the M&Ms.

I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while Im trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth.

And just when I dont think I can take it anymore, he says, Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now. – Marcie, from the Married With Children sitcom.

A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in

Disneyland produced some strange results.

Mickey Mouse like Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.

Donald Duck likes Dr.Pepper, while Daisy prefers RootBeer.

Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.

But Snow White adores 7up.

You think those yellow traffic signs that say Slow children at play means the kids in the area are not too bright.

At least one of the kitchen appliances on your front porch is more than forty years old.

You think Country & Western covers both types of music.