This blond in her new red corvette convertable pulled out in front of this 18 wheeler. The driver was furious and he told her to pull over. When she did he asked her why she pulled out in front of him and she didnt reply so he went to his truck pulled out a can of spray paint and made a circle. He said for her to stay in the circle and not step one foot out of it. He then went back to his truck and got a bat and started to trash her car. He turned and say her laughin. This just then made hijm even more furious and he hit the car more rapidly. He saw she kept laughing and just mutilated her car. Well he turned and asked her what was so funny and she said:

I stepped outta the circle 3 times when you werent looking!

Theres a clock on the stove.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blondes eye?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream.

Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it.

Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth.

Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and Ill get a clear shot at the bear.

Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. Looking at the scene, the mouse thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, then fish will leap out of the water, the bear will rush out at the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and Ill have just enough time to run out and grab the cheese in the hunters sack.

Lazing in a tree which overhangs the river, is a cat. The cat looks down at the scene, and thinks to itself, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, and the bear will come out to catch the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and the mouse will run to get the cheese . . . then Ill be able to pounce down onto the mouse as it leaves its hole.

Suddenly, the fly drops two inches . . .

Immediately everyone is thrown into wild furious action. The fish leaps out of the water, and snaps the fly in its mouth. The bear lunges into the stream and catches the fish in its mouth. The hunter bursts out of his grassy cover and fires at the bear. The mouse forgets totally about the cheese, and the cat gets such a fright it overbalances and falls into the stream . . .

Whats the moral of the story?

If a fly drops two inches, a pussy gets wet!

A man was walking down the beach one day and tripped over a bottle. Out popped a
Genie!

Then Genie says, I will grant you one wish.

After a minute of pondering the guy says, I would like you to make me a bridge
from here to Hawaii because I hate to fly and I dont like boats.

The Genie says, My God, you know how long it will take for me to grant that
wish? How many people it will take to build it? Make any other wish in the world
except that one.

The guy thinks, then says, I would really like to understand how a womans mind
works.

The Genie replies, Would that be two lanes or four?

Im hungry = Im hugnry
 

 
Im sleepy = Im sleepy
 

 
Im tired = Im tired
 

 
Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Nice Dress! = Nice Body!
 

 
You look tense; let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
 

 
Whats wrong? = dont see why you are making such a big deal of this.
 

 
Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted trauma are you going through now?
 

 
Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
 

 
Im bored = Do you want to have sex?
 

 
I love you = Lets have sex now
 

 
I love you, too = Okay, I said it . . . wed better have sex now!
 

 
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
 

 
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Fifty bucks and it doesnt even look different!
 

 
Lets talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me.
 

 
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
 

 
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then shes yours. – (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
Find a prostitute and marry her. – (Hosea 1:1-3)
Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. – Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. – Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. – Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a womans hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. Thats right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. – Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-laws enemies and get his daughter for a wife. – David (I Samuel 18:27)
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and youll definitely find someone. (Its all relative, of course.) – Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, I have seen a … woman; now get her for me. If your parents question your decision, simply say, Get her for me. Shes the one for me. – Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). – David (2 Samuel 11)
Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (Its not just a good idea; its the law.) – Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
Dont be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
A wife? … NOT! – Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the
lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly
and mentioned that his mood improved every day because
he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that
taking the blood wouldnt hurt much. Then, noticing my Air
Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician
smiled slyly and said, This might hurt a little more than I
thought.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain or, having children will turn you into your parents.

Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.