A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?

Thats your father.



Then whos that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.



The Russian begins thinking, Well I really like drinking vodka. Finally the Russian says, I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.



The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and its clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.



The Russian yells to his wife, Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.



She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.



The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.



Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.



She gets the glass but asks him Boris, why do we only need one glass? Boris raises the glass and says, Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lee!
Lee who?
Leed on McDuff!

The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when youre up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

You will have trouble with the ties on your gi pants when members of the opposite sex are in class.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.

The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attackers father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam. (Ask Mr. Hurst about a similar experience!)

In an otherwise vacant locker toom, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when its your turn.

Four brothers left home for college and they became
successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother who lived in another
city. The first said, "I had a big house built
for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the house." The third said,
"I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to
her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading
the Bible and you know she cant read anymore because
she cant see very well. I met this preacher who told
me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I
had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty
years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just
has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will
recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.
Mama wrote: "Milton, the house you built is
so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean
the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Michael,
you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound,
it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead,
Ive lost my hearing and Im nearly blind. Ill never
use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home
and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use
the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have
the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank You."

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland,

while walking through the heather the lass says;

ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!

wee jordy says aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?

Well she says i can tell by the gleam in your eye.

Walking along a bit further she says to him wee jordy i can tell you want

to give me a kiss.

well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?

ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!

Walking along a bit further she says wee jordy i can tell you want to

make love to me.

he says, aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!

No! she says… by the tilt in your kilt!

Moses is in the desert and he sees a


burning bush.He approaches and he hears


a voice.My name is Moses,what about you?


he sad.I AM is My name,and I am the Lord


of your forefathers!;Nice to meet you,


I am!;Tell Me, Moses, dont you feel


lonely in this desert?Oh,yeah,very lonely…


Dont you miss your jewish brothers?


Oh,yeah,very much…Dont you miss


your teachers?Oh,yes,i miss them lot


Dont you miss bathing in the Nile?


Oh,yes,is very warm in here,I miss


that cold water…Dont you miss your


mother,Moses? Moses starts to cry,and


he whispers through his tears:Very much


WHY DONT YOU PAY HER A VISIT? Oh,I cant


the faraoh wants to kill me He will not,


I will be with you every step Are you sure?


Sure is my middle nameWill you do that for me? Of course I will,Moses, as I promised


Thank you,Lord!and Moses start his journey


to Egypt.Moses, wait! Yes, Lord?


Can I ask you a favour?Anything,My Lord!


Well, if you go to the pallace,to


see your mother,please pay a visit to


the faraoh chamber and tell him to let my people go,will you?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. What did the doctor say?

Youre going to die, she replied.

An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.
The tale went this way: There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, Woo Woo, take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time! Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read: Body of Naked Auburn Student found in Tunnel, Run Over by Train.