The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998

13 Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not $250 as previously reported.

12 Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.

11 We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.

10 Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.

9 Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!

8 In Thursdays edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message…

7 This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater.

6 Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.

5 It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant.

4 Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.

3 Our article describing O.J. Simpson as slashing out over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…

2 As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.

and Top5s Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in

1998…

1 Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide. And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting

2. it is a major component in acid rain

3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state

4. accidental inhalation can kill you

5. it contributes to erosion

6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes

7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, How Gullible Are We?

A dental surgery had been having an unusually busy day, and
ran out of local anaesthetic just before the last extraction
for the day was to be performed.

Keen to ensure that a far more painless extraction from the
patients wallet would not be hindered, the dentist gave the
nurse a very large needle.

He instructed her to jab it firmly into the patient in the end
opposite to that from which the tooth was to be extracted,
when the signal was given.

It all happened in an instant. The patient and pliers were
in place. The signal was given, the needle driven well
home, and with a quick tug out came the tooth.

The dentist said, Hurt much?

The patient hesitated,
Didnt even feel it come out… tell you what, though, the roots
were sure in deep!

Courtesy 612 4QR Nighttime Funnies. Mon-Thu 7.30pm

Washing The Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

Oh, no laundry, the boy said, Im going to wash my dog!

But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

Oh, he died, the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!

Well, the boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.

Oh? What was it then?

I think it was the spin cycle!

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

Doctor, I cant seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I cant satisfy her. What can I do?

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and youll find that youll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.

Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

Be prepared, my darling. Im going to ravish you, she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctors advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his therapy.

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, Yes?

Sir, Im with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please? said the officer.

Yes, officer, Im inspecting my trucks rear axle, he replied confidently.

Well, why dont you check the brakes while youre down there.

Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.

What did the gynocologist say to his wife when he got home?

Im Bushed!

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A childs eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10.What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in
his ass.

He says, Howd you get a cork in your ass?

The other guy says, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He
said, I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish. And I said, No
shit!

An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the season of giving.

Personnel will utilize standard T ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in T ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.

Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SGs will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

At first [sign] of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes.On order OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter.

Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned wandering eyeball stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operators license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout, On Dancer, On Prancer, etc.

LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year or, Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night. This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

FOR THE COMMANDER

GOODE, U. B., LTC, OD

Executive Officer

Bill Clinton virus – System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.