A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, I don t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.

The husband says, What?!!!

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. He then tells his wife, they all look great, well buy all three of them.

Then he goes over and gets matching shoes worth $300 each. And then goes to the jewelry department and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited, and trying to take advantage of her husbands generous mood, she goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says, You dont even play tennis, but if you really like it then lets get it.

The wife is practically jumping up and down with excitement. She says, Okay, Im ready to go, lets take all of this stuff to the register.

The husband says, No-no-no, honey, were not going to buy all this stuff.

The wifes face goes blank.

No, honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while.

Her face gets really red and shes about to explode when the husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!

A true urban legend:

A husband of a friend (yes, I know it sounds like one of THOSE sort of stories) went to a local bank to make a withdrawal. Its one of those banks where you take a form, fill it in and stand in line.

While waiting in line, he casually flipped the withdrawal form over and noticed that someone had written on the back of it I HAVE A GUN : GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY. Not wanting to lose his place in the queue, he waited till he got to the teller and said Look, some idiot has written on the back of this form.

The teller, not listening, saw the writing and hit the panic button. Alarms rang, cops appeared, the guy was cuffed and taken to a back room and interviewed for a few hours.

At 10oclock at night, his wife finally found out where he was (he went to the bank at mid-day) and he was released only after several well-respected friends testified as to his character.

But before he left the cops checked the pile of withdrawal slips in the bank and found that about half of them had similar messages on the back.

Evidently some prankster had done so for a joke.

So, the next time you go to the bank, check the back of the forms first … (or else write on them, put them back in teh pile and wait for the fun to start …)

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining

and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the

doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear. L: ?eh?

D: Madam – You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR! L: ??EH??

D: (shouting) –IN YOUR EAR! –A SUPPOSITORY!!! L: Oh, thank

Goodness – now I know where I put my hearing aid!

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant. A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law The panda bear tells the policeman that hes innocent and, if he didnt believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear." It says, Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.

Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!

If athletes get athletes foot, astronauts get missile toe.

A bird dog could be called a point setter.

James Fenimore Cooper wrote about the life of Santa Claus in his novel The Deer Sleigher.

Whats the difference between a one-winged angel and a two-winged angel? Its a matter of a pinion!

Its a matter of my opinion that Yule love the game were about to play. In each sentence below, fill in the blank or blanks with an expression commonly used at Christmastide. Answers repose at the end of this column.

1. On December 24, Adams wife was known as _____ _____.

2. In Charles Dickenss A Christmas Carol, Scrooge was visited by the ghost of _____ _____.

3. An opinion survey in Alaska is called a _____ _____.

4. What does Santa Claus do with his three gardens? _____, _____, _____

5. What Christmas message is conveyed by these letters?: ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. _____, _____

6. When the salt and the pepper say Hi! to each other, they are passing on _____ _____.

7. A holy man bereft of change could be called _____ _____.

8. When you cross a sheep with a cicada, you get a _____ _____.

9. A quiet medieval armor-wearer is a _____ _____.

10. A cat walking on the desert is bound to get _____ _____.

11. People who tell jokes on December 25 might be called _____ _____.

12. An airplane disaster in Israel is a _____.

13. Actor OConnor and actress Channing are known on December 25 as _____ _____.

14. What do Spanish sheep says when they wish each other a Merry Christmas? _____ _____.

Meretricious to all! And dont forget that Theres No Plate Like Chrome for the Hollandaise.

Answers

1. Christmas Eve

2. Christmas Present

3. North Poll

4. Hoe, hoe, hoe.

5. Noel,(no L)

6. seasons greetings.

7. St. Nickleless.

8. Bah! (or Baa!) Humbug!

9. silent knight

10. sandy claws

11. Christmas cards

12. cresh

13. Christmas Carols

14. Fleece Navidad!

Little Johnny arrived home from school crying his eyes out. His mother asked,What happened Johnny?Stevie called me a sissy! he replied.So what did you do about it?I hit him with my purse!

A black, a hispanic and a WASP were walking along the beach when they saw a bottle sticking out of the sand.

All three grabbed it at once and a genie came out of the bottle and said, Because of your mutual participation, I will grant each of you one wish … what would you like to have?

The black man indicated he wished everyone of his race would return to Africa and live in mutual peace and harmony.

Your wish is granted, said the Genie.

The hispanic man said he wished everyone of his race would return to Cuba and Mexico and live in mutual peace and harmony.

You wish is granted, the Genie said.

What would you like to have? the Genie asked the WASP.

Ill take a Bud Lite, he replied.

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.Ive suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always Just some friends from work, you dont know them.I always look out for her ride coming home but she always walks from aroud the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. If it really is a friend why not just get dropped off in front? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didnt want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I followed her in my eclipse awd turbo race car. My race car has no decals…Then when the car came to park… I parked too… I jumped out of my car and hid behind my car. I looked at my tires and realized My Bridgestone S03s are pretty ugly….What tires do you guys recommend I should change to?

A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldnt quite remember the address to the house. Im sure this is the one, said the driver. Well, I have got to go to the bathroom SO BAD. Replied one of the others, Ill go knock on the door, and check. If its the wrong house, at least Ill get to a toilet!

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once….No answer. He rings it again…..Still no answer. So, he thinks, This is a big house, big party, maybe the party is outside, in the backyard. So he walks around the house to the back, there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door, he was suprized to find it unlocked, and opened. There was obviously no one home, so he figured hed just quietly run inside real quick, and use there bathroom, no one would know. So, he goes inside but he cant find the bathroom anywhere. So, he quickly ran up the stairs and searched, and searched, till finally as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a GOLDEN TOILET. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a strangers house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the AMAZING GOLDEN TOILET. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale. They pulled out of the driveway, arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the GOLDEN TOILET. And they guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends the these people really did have a GOLDEN TOILET. So, they agree to check it out. So they all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. And a woman answers the door. Excuse me maam, but could you please let me show my friends here your GOLDEN TOILET, they dont believe me! So YOURE the guy! The woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, HONEY!?!…HERES THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!