Ellen Degeneres virusYour IBM suddenly claims its a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virusSuck all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virusMakes your whole computer go down
Disney virusEverything in the computer goes goofy
Mike Tyson virusQuits after one byte
Prozac virusScrews up your RAM but your processor doesnt care
Sharon Stone virusMakes a huge initial impact, then you forget its there
Lorena Bobbit virusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virusAppears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virusBypasses the motherboard and turn on the a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virusWont let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virusTurns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michael virusRuns its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virusOnly attacks minor files
X-files virusAll your Icons start shape-shifting
Spice Girls virusHas no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virusSaves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkain virusSearches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Sony Bono virusJust when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere
Martha Stewart virusTakes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little dollies to be displayed on your desktop
Oprah Winfrey virusYour 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T virusEvery 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virusEvery 3 minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virusTerminates and stays resident; Itll be back
Viagra virusTurns your floppy drive into a hard drive

A man walked into a stockbrokers office and said to the receptionist, I just won some money in the lottery, and I want to open an account with your %**!&%! company. Heads turned in shock at hearing the mans language. Im sorry, but we dont allow that kind of talk here, the receptionist said. Youll have to leave. I told you I want to open an account with this %**!&%! company. the man insisted. Suddenly the manager came out. Whats all the swearing about? he asked. I just won $12 million and I want to open an account with your %**!&%! company, the man replied. Oh, I see, said the manager. And these %**!&%! people are giving you a hard time?

Student to God: God, why didnt you stop that tragedy in the Littleton schoool?

God to student: I am not allowed in schools.

After careful consideration and endless debate The Perfect Man has finally been named!

Hes tan!

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Hes cute!

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He knows the importance of accessorizing!

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And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face!

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INTRODUCING…

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MR. POTATO HEAD!

( Good with sour cream and butter too! 🙂

Terrorists blow up a celluloid factory…

No film at 11.

[Ed: Reportedly from a Wizard of Id cartoon.]

19-year-old Rachel is very upset when she calls the police on her mobile phone.

She cries, Help me please. I’m in Golders Green and my car’s been broken into. The thief has stolen the CD player, the steering wheel, the gearshift lever and the pedals. What will I do?

The dispatcher says to her, Stay calm, madam, I’ll ask a police officer to get to you as quickly as possible.

Ten minutes later, the police control centre gets the following message from the police officer, Please disregard the distress call. The lady got in the back-seat of her car by mistake.

Three years ago, after my divorce, I found myself
in the position of having to buy condoms, something
I hadnt had to do for better than twenty years.
The selection was overwhelming, and I asked the
pharmacy clerk for some help.

He extolled the virtues of latex, ribbed, lubricated,
colored, glow in the dark (assuming you cant find
it any other way), Magnum size (no laughing), and more.
At last, as he was running out of breath, I asked
which condom he recommended. He replied The condom
made of lambs intestine has a more natural feel.
I said Not to us city boys.

Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

1. Talk about huge breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Its Cool Whip time!
4. If I dont undo my pants, Ill burst!
5. Thats one terrific spread!
6. Im in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, youll get some!
10. Dont play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think youll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didnt expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. Youll know its ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didnt think I could handle all of that!
18. Thats the biggest one Ive ever seen

[Ed: Yet another compendium]

And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these
compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers,
and teachers:

This paper needs a few comas.

When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a
urinal.

We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee.

You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal.

It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from
nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage.

At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last
year.

Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife,
an exotic U-shaped structure.

LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed.

Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy
Baker, a chicken.

Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping
cranes in his chest.

Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection.

Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bills clothes. Weve been spraying
the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests.

Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will
have an appointment with the orinthologist.

Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughters absence for the past week,
as she had a case of the fool.

Steven C. Neighorn
Portland Public Schools

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures hes referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and…

He is interrupted by the doctor, And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear.

Yes! Exactly! How did you know?

Well I am the worlds greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes.

Two weeks go by and the man is back, Well, how do you feel? the doctor asked.

Doc, Im a new man! I feel great! I havent had a headache since I started this treatment! I cant thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home.