Archive for October, 2019

The Musical Octopus

Poza publicata in [ Foul Language ]

A Guy goes into a bar and orders a beer, when the bartender brings his beer the Guy pays him and puts an octopus on the bar The Bartender tells him, get that thing out of here.

The Guy says, No, wait you dont understand. This is no ordinary octopus. This octopus can play any musical instrument you can think of.

The bartender says, Bullshit, no octopus can do that.

The Guy says, No, really Ill bet you one hundred dollars that you cant find a musical instrument he cant play.

The bartender says, OK youre on. Try the piano in the corner.

The Guy takes the octopus to the piano and it played like a pro. The bartender went into the back room and brought out a guitar.

The octopus played a song on it.

The bartender said, OK Im not done yet so he brings out three kinds of horns and a set of drums.

The octopus played them all.

The bartender said, Alright I have one more instrument to try before I give up. He goes in the back and comes out with a bagpipe, and sets it in the middle of the floor.

The octopus gets up on all eight legs and walks around it a couple of times then jumps on it. Then he walks around it a couple more times and jumps up and down on it a few more times.

The bartender says, There I knew I could find one he couldnt play.

The Guy said, Now just wait a minute Hell play it just as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Un hombre recin divorciado, decide

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Un hombre recién divorciado, decide aventurar suerte en Las Vegas. Después de haber ganado una fortuna en el casino, sale a divertirse un poco, ve a una rubia preciosa, y decide invitarla a un trago a lo cual ella accede.

Luego de algunos tragos el hombre la invita a la habitación del hotel. A la media hora de conversación, el hombre le pregunta cuánto le cobra por hacerle la paja.

Por una paja yo cobro 5,000 dólares.

Pero eso es muy caro , ¿no crees?

¿Vez esta sortija de diamantes?, me la compré por las pajas que hago, verás que son las mejores.

El le da el dinero y comienzan. De pronto él le dice, Detente, espera, espera, esto me gusta; pero, ¿cuanto me cobrarías por una mamada?

Por mamada yo cobro 10,000 dólares.

Eso es caro ¿no crees?

Ven, acércate a la ventana y mira, ¿ves un Mercedes Benz nuevo, rojo, convertible? Pues me lo gano por mis mamadas.

No importa lo que cueste, ándale comienza.

Luego de un rato él le dice…

Detente, detente, que casi me vengo. Dime cuanto me cobras por el chochito…

¡Si yo tuviera chochito, sería la duena de Las Vegas!

Dos argentinas quedan en pana

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Dos argentinas quedan en pana en la carretera austral de Chile, lugar absolutamente desolado, cuando por esas casualidades de la vida se encuentran con dos huasitos. El diálogo es el siguiente:

¡Che viste!, nuestro carro sufrió un desperfecto y no sabemos como repararlo, sería posible que nos ayudaran. Haríamos cualquier cosa para pagarles este favor.

Los huasitos quedan pensando un momento y al ver a las esculturales argentinas les dicen:

Bueno pues, señoritas, ustedes se suben la faldita, se bajan los calzoncitos y nosotros hacemos el resto pue…

¡Pero che, responden las argentinas, eso no es ningún problema viste, es más, lo hacemos con mucho gusto. Pero eso sí, van a tener que usar estos preservativos (condones) para que nosotras no quedemos embarazadas, viste!

Los huasitos aceptan la proposición, sin tener idea de lo que estaban usando. Luego , los campesinos ayudaron a las argentinas con su auto.

Al cabo de dos meses, se vuelven a encontrar los campesinos en el mismo lugar donde habían ayudado a las argentinas.

Oye Lucho, te acordai de las argentinas, estaban harto ricas las yeguas.

Sí Pedro, teni toda la razón.

Oye Lucho, a vos te interesa que las argentinas queden embarazadas.

No Pedro, no me interesa.

Entonces Lucho, ¡porque no nos sacamos de una vez, esta bolsa plástica del pico!

The Clinton Years

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

After much arguing and deliberation, historians have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

Backup –

Poza publicata in [ Terms and definitions ]

Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Bar code – Thems the fightn rules down da local tavern.

Bug – The reason you is a givn for calling in sick.

Ambition is a poor excuse

Poza publicata in [ Business ]

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.

Beckers Law: It is

Poza publicata in [ Business ]

Beckers Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. – Jules Becker & Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as government, …once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer would rather settle for the current employees incompetence and idiosyncrasies than look for a new employee.)

Those who cant write, write

Poza publicata in [ One Liners ]

Those who cant write, write manuals.

Jack the ripper

Poza publicata in [ Crazy ]

Q. Whats worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Darwin award nominees of 1998

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

Once again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1998 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully).

The 1998 nominees are:

NOMINEE No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

NOMINEE No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a farm type truck. Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft.

NOMINEE No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

NOMINEE No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.

NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomburg News Service]

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldnt have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

NOMINEE No. 6: [The News of the Weird.]

Michael Anderson Godwin made N of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolinas electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

NOMINEE NO. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]

A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion – Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

NOMINEE No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector DArcy Honer of the Peel regional police. It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony, Honer said.

AND FINALLY, NOMINEE No. 9: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. Thank God we werent on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead stated Wallis. Ive been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how this accident happened, said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Pooles wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.