The Boy Who Wanted to Be a Truck Driver

One day, a little boy goes into the candy shop and orders five pounds of m-n-ms,.

The lady at the counter asked him Dont you mean five bags?

He said No, i want five pounds.

She was reluctant, but measured them out, put them in a bag and handed them to the little boy. He paid for them, and went outside and sat on the curb.

He ate a few m-n-ms, and a cat walks by.

He picks up the cat and takes a big bite out of it.

He moves a little further down the curb, and does it all over again.

After the little boy did this about 15-20 times, the lady in the candy store starts to wonder.

She goes outside and asks the little boy What in the hell are you doing?

The little boy gives her this answer I am learning how to be a truck driver like my daddy. Im popping pills, eating pussy, and moving down the line.

En la escuela la maestra está dando un dictado y los estudiantes escribiendo, cuando una de las palabras que la maestra les dicta es huevos.

Inmediatamente Robertito, en voz baja, le pregunta a Pepito:

Oye Pepito, ¿Huevos es con h o sin h?

Pepito le contesta:

Yo no estoy seguro si va con h, pero, por si acaso, yo escribí COJONES.

Un tipo hambriento entra a un restaurante; se sienta en una mesa sucia y ordena:

Ea, mesero, venga aquí por favor.

Pero nadie le hace caso.

Insiste:

Oiga, mesero, venga por favor

Nuevamente, nadie le hace caso.

Mientras espera, mira hacia la mesa y ve a 15 hormigas punk en motos, armadas con bates, cadenas, navajas y látigos persiguiendo a una sola. La hormiga solitaria vestía chamarra negra, pantalón de cuero, botas negras y conducía una motocicleta plateada.

El hombre, asombrado, observa como el grupo de 15 hormigas intenta atrapa a la hormiga solitaria, cuando, de pronto, la hormiga solitaria da un giro de 180 grados en su vehículo, saca un látigo y de un sólo golpe tumba a 6 hormigas; se da la vuelta y sigue su camino.

Las cosas se están poniendo buenísimas, pensó el tipo. Hasta el apetito se le había quitado.

La persecución continuaba, y todas iban a la máxima velocidad esquivando vasos y platos, de improviso, la solitaria saca del bolsillo una bomba de humo; enciende la mecha y la arroja hacia la pandilla. El humo se expandió rápidamente haciendo que las perseguidoras tuvieran poca visibilidad y dos hormigas más cayeron al suelo. Ahora únicamente quedaban 7.

Varias hormigas le arrojaban navajas tratando de agujerear las llantas. Pero la hormiga era sorprendente y se movía de lado a lado. Colérica, la hormiga jefe, una enorme roja, bien fortachona, saca una cadena larga y le pega un latigazo en el brazo a la solitaria. Ésta perdió el equilibrio y se estrelló contra un grano de arroz; rápidamente la hormiga se levantó y se subió a la moto, pero cuando levantó la mirada estaba rodeada. Las 7 hormigas punk, irritadas, sacaron sus armas; empiezan a acelerar sin avanzar, la otra hace lo mismo. Entonces las punk aceleran a toda velocidad con las armas al frente, la solitaria saca una cadena y de pronto…

Llega el mesero y limpiando la mesa dice:

¿Qué le sirvo, señor?

Happily Addicted to the Web

(Sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland)



Doorbell rings, Im not listnin,

From my mouth, drool is glistnin,

Im happy–although

My boss let me go–

Happily addicted to the Web.



All night long, I sit clicking,

Unaware time is ticking,

Theres beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web.



Friends come by; they shake me,Saying, Yo, man!

Dont you know tonights the senior prom?

With a listless shrug, I mutter, No, man;

I just discovered letterman-dot-com!



I dont phone, dont send faxes,

Dont go out, dont pay taxes,

Who cares if someday

They drag me away?

Im happily addicted to the Web!

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?



A: Gifted!

1. You get this one, next round is on me.

(We wont be here long enough to get another round.)

2. Ill get this one, next one is on you.

(Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round theyll be $4.50 a pop.)



3. Hey, where is that friend of yours?

(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)



4. Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (female)

(Im easy.)



5. Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (male)

(Im gay.)



6. Ever try a body shot? (male to female)

(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)



7. Ever try a body shot? (female to male)

(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what Ill do to you on the ride home?)



8. I dont feel well, lets go home. (female)

(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)



9. I dont feel well, lets go home. (male)

(Im horny.)



10. Whos got the next round?

(I havent bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)



11. Excuse Me. (male to male)

(Get the hell out of the way.)



12. Excuse Me. (male to female)

(I am going to grope you now.) (Editors Note – one of my personal favorites)



13. Excuse Me. (female to male)

(Dont even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)



14. Excuse Me. (female to female)

(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and dont think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or Ill slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)



15. What do you have on tap?

(Whats cheap?)



16. Can I have a white Russian? (male)

(Im *really* gay.)



17. Can I have a white Russian? (female)

(Im *really* easy.)



18. That person looks really familiar.

(Did I sleep with him/her?)



19. Can I just get a glass of water? (female)

(Im annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)



20. I dont have my ID on me. (female)

(Im 19.)



21. I dont have my ID on me. (male)

(I dont have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

One day these 3 guys were walking & found a demand.The demand said go in the fores get 3 ot a kind of fruit,so they did. The 1st gut got apples and the demander said stick it up your butt, so he did but the demander got bored and sent him up in heaven.The second guy was smart and got 3 grapesbut he was laughing too much so the demander sent him to heaven.The first guy said why did you laugh you could have lived, and the second guy said, because the tird guy had pinaples.

– To escape an oppressive military regime.

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to change it back again.

10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9. Hes won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, Oh, puh-leeeez! 295 times during the movie The Net.
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists public-key encryption among turn-ons.
2. Instead of the Welcome voice on AOL, you overhear, Good Morning, Mr. President.

And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker…

1. You hear her murmur, Lets see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Dont-Give-As-In-Computer-Science!

Thanx to William.Conway@gdc.com