A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

I did a terrible thing, sniffed the drunk, Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.

That is awful, said the other guy, And now that she is gone you want her back right?

Right! said the drunk, still crying.

Youre sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?

Oh, No, said the drunk. I want her back because Im thirsty again!

There was this couple once who had everything; the son and daughter, a house, a cat… I mean the basic stuff. Well I guess as the got older they started to lose their sex drive. This discouraged the husband so he went to the doctor and got some extra strength Viagra even though it was still in its trial phase. Well the doctor told him, only one pill a day, and Ill call you at the end of the week.
So the doctor calls at the end of the week and asks how well the pills are working.
The man replies, Oh their great! I havent had sex like this for 10 years!
The doctor tells him to keep it up, and remember… only ONE pill a day.
The wife found out however and started slipping him an extra pill each day without him knowing. So when the doctor called and asked how everything was holding up the man replied, Im addicted! I havent had sex like this since I was 16! Now the doctor was kind of suspicious but just let it go and decided to call him at the end of next week. Meanwhile, the greedy wife (who was loving it) started giving him 3 doses of xtra strength viagra a day.
The doctor called at the same time next week, but this time a little boy answered the phone. Are your parents there? the doctor asked.
Well… they are but there locked in their room and wont come out. The boy answered.
Ok.. Ill call back in 3 hours. The doctor promised; but when he called back the boy answered the phone again.
You just missed them… they came down and got a drink and ran right back upstairs. The boy informed him.
Listen Ill be there in 5 minutes! The doctor by this time had a pretty good idea what was going on and rushed over there as fast as he could; but being unreliable, he got there an hour later.
When he knocked on the door the little boy answered the door. In desperation the doctor asked where the boys parents were.
The boy took a deep breath and said, Moms dead, sisters pregnant, my butt hurts, and dads looking for the cat.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)

Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!



1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.



2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.



3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.



4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.



5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is priority. I am psychic.



6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.



7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.



8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.



9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.



10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.



11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers hell.



12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.



13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Whats the differance between Bill Clinton and a carp?

Ones a bottom feeding nusiance, the other is a fish.

If you know any teenagers in prison,
send them some candy to help them break out.

Q: A smart blond, Santa and a pregnant woman are on an elevator. A twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground. Who picks it up ? A: The pregnant woman… the other two arent real !

How many Finlanders does it take to change a light bulb?One Swede.

A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird.

Radioing Earth they yell: Houston, weve got a problem, theres a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there.

Go out and make contact, find more about them, was the reply.

So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: Do all Martians dress like that?

Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!