Old and New Jokes

Youve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer–a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,

Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.

The lawyer said, Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Dont worry about the cows!

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.

The lawyer said, Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Dont worry about the cows!

After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concernng these cows.

Don’t worry about the cows! the lawyer said. The cows will be ours!

Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I cant change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger.

Ya mamma is like traintracks….

She gets laid around the country!

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline……

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and we will transfer your call to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mothers maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and cry. You wont be crazy forever.

If you are blonde dont press any buttons, youll just mess it up.

Un hombre y una mujer que no se conocían, coinciden en el mismo compartimiento de coche cama de un tren. A pesar de la obvia incomodidad que provoca la situación, y de las protestas de la mujer ante el guardia del tren, quien le explica que el convoy va lleno y no dispone de otro camarote, ambos finalmente ocupan el camarote y sus respectivas literas, el hombre en la superior y ella en la inferior. A media noche el hombre despierta a la mujer y le dice:

Lamento molestarla pero tengo un frío tremendo, ¿podría alcanzarme una de las mantas que están apiladas junto a la puerta?

La mujer se asoma entre las cortinas de la litera y guiñándole el ojo a su compañero de camarote le dice:

Tengo una idea mejor, sólo por esta noche supongamos que estamos casados… ¿te gustaría?

El hombre, sin poder creer lo que oyó, exclama:

¡Pero claro, mi vida, claro!

Y la mujer responde:

¡Pues entonces… bájate y agarrala tu, pinche huevón!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldnt get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldnt get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.



A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

What do you call a Mexican who has had a vasectomy?

– Dry Martino.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Well, arent we just a ray of f***ing sunshine?

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

A hard-on doesnt count as personal growth?

Dont bother me. Im living happily ever after.

This isnt an office; its hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.

Therapy is expensive; popping bubble-wrap is cheap. You choose.

I like cats too. Lets exchange recipes.

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, Ill put shoes on my cat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your crybaby, whiny-arsed opinion would be…?

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Allow me to introduce myselves.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Better living through denial.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.