A woman tells her friend, My husband is an angel.

Her friend replies, Youre lucky, mine is still alive.

A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.

Yes.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher hed found a cat, but it was dead. How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked her pupil.
Because I pissed in its ear and it didnt move, answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went Pssst! and it didnt move.

A zoo in a redneck town acquires a female gorilla that soon goes into heat. There are no male gorillas of the species available, so the park administrators think of Ed, the part-time animal cage cleaner. They ask Ed if hed be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. Ed shows interest but says hell have to think the matter over.The next day, Ed announces that hell do it, but only under three conditions, First, he says, I dont want to have to kiss her. Second, you must never tell anyone about this. And third, you gotta give me another week to come up with the 500 bucks.

He calls a phone sex line and the girl says, not tonight, I have got an earache.

One Christmas, a little Italian boy sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus. I have been a good boy mosta of the year so I want a new…” He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus. I have been a good boy for the whole year so I want a new….” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away. He then gets an idea. He goes into his mothers room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it into the closet and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again….”

10 year old Johnnys mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.

Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadnt made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.

He gets downstairs, looks around, doesnt see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mothers room and stops dead in his tracks, cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating Oh,I need a man, Ohhh I need a man.

Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.

Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesnt see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Mommas door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating Oh, I need a man. Ohhh,I need a man. Once again he backs out quietly.

Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Mommas door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.

Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams I GOT IT !!!!!!

JOHNNY PEELS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF, LIES STARK NAKED ON HIS BED AND STARTS TO RUB ALL OVER HIMSELF REPEATING OH, I NEED A BIKE, OOOOHHHHHHHH I NEED A BIKE

Youve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.

You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.

On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer–a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,

Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.

The lawyer said, Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Dont worry about the cows!

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.

The lawyer said, Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Dont worry about the cows!

After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concernng these cows.

Don’t worry about the cows! the lawyer said. The cows will be ours!

Q: How many people in a Burger King advert does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I cant change my lightbulb. But I can change my burger to a Burger King burger.