A
man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving
him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening
drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through
what was left of his hair and he decided to open her
up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly
saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes,"
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The
needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation
hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and
pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without
a word and examined it and the car.
"Its been a long hard day, this is the end
of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel
like more paperwork, I dont need the frustration
or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good
excuse for your driving that I havent heard before,
you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last
week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid
you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

John
Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her,
"Your Majesty,

how do you run such an efficient government? Are there
any tips you can give

to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important
thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around
me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, thats easy.
You just ask them to

answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes
a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair
in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles, "Answer me this, please, Tony.
Your mother and father have a child. It is not your

brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That
would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential
choice

the same question. "John. Answer this for me. Your
mother and your father have a child.

Its not your brother and its not your sister. Who
is it?"

"Im not sure," says John Edwards. "Let
me get back to you on that one." Edwards goes to
his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer. Finally, he ends up in the mens room and
recognizes Colin Powells shoes in the next stall. Edwards
shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your
mother and father have a child and its not your brother
or your sister.

Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "Thats
easy. Its me!" Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say,
I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.
Its Colin Powell."

Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily
yells into his face, "No, you idiot! Its Tony
Blair!"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says Youve got to come over here and help me with this killer jigsaw puzzle! I dont know how to get it started!! Her boyfriend asks Whats it supposed to be when its done? The blonde replies According to the box, its supposed to be a tiger.So her boyfriend comes over and the blonde shows him the puzzle spread all over the table. He examines the peices for a moment and then looks at the box and says First of all, I suggest you make a cup of strong coffee and then well put all these frosted flakes back in the box!

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, Im sending him over.

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

A female horth, the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth? So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes. OK, what about the earsth?

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

OK, finally, Id like to see her twat. With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, Perhapth I should rephrase. Id like to see her run!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:Dear God,Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry you been!

Isnt putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What youd better have around de yard if youre going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Q: How many London taxi drivers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: (Cue typical indignant Saaaaf London accent) What ? Go all the way up there and come back empty ? You must be jokin mate !

Dos compadres terminan una kilométrica borrachera y, por miedo al enojo de sus mujeres, deciden rentar un cuarto de hotel para descansar hasta que se les baje la embriaguez. Sin embargo, solamente consiguen un cuarto con una cama donde deciden pasar la noche. A eso de las tres de la mañana le dice un compadre al otro:

Compadre, ¿no te duele la cabeza?

No, ¿por qué?

¡Porque ahí te va el resto!