How do you stop a blonde tank? Shoot the people pushing it!

A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy persons door and when the owner of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. Im collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and Im wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldnt want to make a little contribution.

The homeowner replies, The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.

Are you sure?, asks the Meshulach.

Sir, Im positive, replies the homeowner.

But, says the meshulach, It says here that youre Jewish, and my records are never wrong.

I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish, replies the homeowner, getting more impatient.

Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be kidding me. Are you sure you arent Jewish? demands the Meshulach.

For the last time sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasnt Jewish either!

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you. So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot steak and eggs breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.Marty asks, Son, what happened last night? His son says, Well, you came home about 3 A.M., blind stinking drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.Confused, Marty asks, So, why did Mom put everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me? His son replied, Oh that! Mom and I dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, Lady, leave me alone! Im a happily married man!Self-induced hangover – $70.00
Broken furniture – $250.00
Breakfast – $10.00
Saying the right thing at the right time – priceless

Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, What ever possessed you to study Russian?

The couple said proudly, We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so hell start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!

Q: How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?

A: Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please dont miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. Ive left a path of destruction behind me.

Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesnt have to kiss her goodbye.

Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!

The last words of a chemist:

10. *H* stands for Nitrogen – and that does *not* burn…

11. Oh, now I have spilt something…

12. First the acid, then the water…

Pepito estaba en su cuarto viendo una película mexicana donde escuchaba muchas malas palabras, y como él no sabía el significado de ninguna iba a preguntarle a su mamá y ella con mucha flojera, leyendo una revista, le contestaba lo primero que se le ocurría.

¡Mamá! ¡mamá! ¿qué significa pinche?

Tus tíos, hijo, tus tíos, o sea los hermanos de tu papá.

¡Mamá! ¡mamá! ¿qué significa cabrones?

Los sillones hijo, los sillones.

¡Mamá! ¡mamá! ¿qué significa pendejo?

Mmmmhhhhh… tu papá hijo, tu papá.

Entonces tocan la puerta los tíos de pepito y él abre y al verlos le dice:

Pasen pinches, siéntense en los cabrones que hay viene el pendejo.