Two friends in a Bar:

JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?

JOE: Er…, when I clean myself off with the curtains.

1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, Im on fire! Roll around vigorously.
2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible.
3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night.
4) Talk in a strong English accent.
5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, Arent you glad I decided to come today?
6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your head and scream, I win!
7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, Mmm, never seen that shape before.
8) But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!
9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go along.
10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question (Sheesh, so America won the Revolutionary War?).
11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar.
12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out.
13) I was never told there was going to be a test.
14) Bring your pet goldfish.
15) Throw chalk at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many pieces it breaks into.
16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything.
17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with your hands behind your head.
18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, No I will not have sex with you!
19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids.
20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you cant bring your dog in here.

What do you mean, says the man, this is a Jewish dog. Look.

And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.

Rover, says the man, daven!.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.

Woof! says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.

Thats fantastic, says the shammas, absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!

You speak to him, says the man, he wants to be a dentist.

An entry in the Bad Writing Contest at San Jose State

As she fell face down into the black muck of the mud-wrestling pit, her sweaty 300-pound opponent muttering soft curses in Latin on top of her, Sister Marie thought, There is no doubt about it; the Pope has betrayed me.

October 28, 1958 – Angleo Giuseppe Roncalli was elected Pope. He took the name John XXIII.

TRADITION

Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, theres one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the popes presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.

The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected. John XXIII was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

My brother, the pope whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?

The chief rabbi shrugs and replies, But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history.

The pope said, Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret.

The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.

They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the last supper.

From: Chuckles of Choice Web Site