starkle starkle little twink

who the hell you are I think

Im not under what you call

the alcofluence of incohol

Im just a little slort of sheep

Im not drunk like tinkle peep

I dont know who is me yet

but the drunker I stand here

the longer I get

Just give me one more drink

to fill me cup

cuz I got all day sober

to Sunday up

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world, Clinton said. Today, the United States must finally stand up and say Enough. It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour.

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of Es, will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

My God, I do not think we can last another day, Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one E. Please. Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream.

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of Ls, Ss and Ts.

A large billboard at an intersection near me has carried this message for the past week:

Dont make me come down there!

– God

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. Where have you been? asked the man. I cant believe you left me down there! I couldnt get the tailgate open!

Bubba, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Bubba if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Bubba asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with BettyJo, his wife (and first cousin). In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, Okay, Ill paint ya nekkid, but Ill have ta leave my socks on, sos I can have sumplace to wipe my brushes…

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, What are you doing?

The little boy answered, Im doing my math homework, Mom.

And this is how your teacher taught you to do it? the mother asked.

Yes, he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, What are you teaching my son in math?

The teacher replied, Right now, we are learning addition.

The mother asked, And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, Well, you see that 3-pack? Thats for when youre in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asks his father, Whats the 6-pack for?

The father replies, Well, thats for when youre in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, Well, thats for when youre married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for…..

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The younguns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if hed come and Id shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallets big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!

Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back.
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off – in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.

Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder – I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santas big bag.

I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin
A whopping belt buckle – a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.

A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old hag
Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag.

When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said Looks like you kids wont be getting no shit.
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.

I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, Maybe youll get some presents next year!

One day a woman who was about 65 years old wanted to get a tatoo. She went to the nearest tatoo parlor and told the man the she wanted one tatoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and one of Evander Holyfield on the other. The man said to the woman that he wasnt sure if he could do that, but he would try. So the woman said ok and went to the back with the man. It was a long process. When it was finally finished the woman lifted up her skirt and asked the man, Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Evander Holyfield?

Not really, said the man, But it looks ok.

The woman was very pleased and walked out of the tatoo parlor. When she walked out she asked a younger man if the tatoos on her thighs loked like Mike Tyson and Evander Holyfield. The man replied with a yeah sort of. Next the woman saw and older man. She went up to him and lifted up her skirt and asked him, Does this look like Mike Tyson and does this look like Evander Holyfield?

The man said, No, but the one in the middle looks like Don King.