Old and New Jokes

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: Im a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.

Youre right; were billing way too much for this.
Bet you I can go a week without saying synergy or value-added.
How about paying us based on the success of the project?
This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
I dont know enough to speak intelligently about that.
Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
I cant take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
Everything looks okay to me.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude as
to stare, the young man whispered to her, Ill do anything,
absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$100, on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words.

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her
purse, and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed
into the young mans hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said,
Clean my house.

(Order): Is each here? Does each have his opposite?

(Chaos): I am here, but my opposite is you.

(Order): Huh?

(Evil): Dont let him bug ya. Were here.

(Truth): My opposite is not here.

(Good): Is your opposite Lies?

(Truth): My opposite is Void. He couldnt make it.

(Evil): )snicker( Figures!

(Order): Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!

(Evil): Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!

(Good): I have the cards.

(Evil): Ive got the chips.

(Truth): I have the beer.

(Chaos): I have the cards!

(Order): Shut up.

…

(Order): Whose deal is it?

(Evil): Do ya gotta ask that EVERY time?

(Truth): It is Goods deal.

(Good): OK, five card draw … uh, everything is wild.

(Evil): How can anyone win if everything is wild?

(Good): No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if …

(Order): I like this game.

(Evil): This is pointless.

(Truth): It is time to deal.

(Good): Here we go! Your bet, Truth.

(Truth): Five.

(Order): Five and raise you five.

(Evil): Dont you morons get it? It doesnt matter how much you bet!

(Order): I like ten better.

(Evil): )sigh( Call.

(Chaos): I fold.

(Evil): YOU CANT LOSE!

(Chaos): I still fold.

(Good): OK, Ill call. How many, Truth?

(Evil): Whats the point in taking more cards?

(Truth): I will keep the cards I have.

(Order): I will take two.

(Evil): Why?!?

(Order): I didnt like those.

(Evil): None for me.

(Chaos): Ill take six.

(Good): Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?

(Evil): Oh, just get this over with.

(Order): But now we have to bet!

(Evil): Any money you put in, youre just gonna get back!

(Truth): I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.

(Truth): I have five aces.

(Order): I have five ace of spades.

(Chaos): I have a three.

(Good): Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.

(Evil): Hold it, bub. Six aces, readem and weep.

(Good): Where did you get that card?

(Truth): He stole it from Chaos.

(Evil): You know the rules, boys. The pots mine.

(Good): That was a stupid game.

(Order): Whose deal is it?

(Truth): The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.

(Chaos): Whee!

(all but Chaos): )groan(

(Chaos): Eleven card stud-holdem with threes, eights, jacks, and kings wild…fives count as fours, fours count as nines, and queens dont count unless there is a prime numbered spade showing …

(Order): I fold …

[from rec.humor.funny.reruns. Written by Brian Cash (bcash@nortel.ca), and originally appeared in talk.bizarre]

A Chicken and an Egg were lying in bed one night. The chicken smoking a cigarette with a smug grin on its face, the egg looking thoroughly ticked off.

The egg looks at the chicken and says,

Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, Would you like to dance?

The girl says, I dont like this song, but even if I did, I wouldnt dance with you!

The guy says, Im sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Man: Havent we met before?

Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place?

Woman: Well, I dont know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: Id really like to get into your pants.

Woman: No thanks. Theres already one asshole in there.

Man: Want to Dance?

Woman: No, thank you.

Man: Dont thank me, thank God because somebody asked you.

Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number?

Woman: Its in the phone book.

Man: But I dont know your name.

Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living?

Woman: Female impersonator.

Man: You know, Id really love to travel to exotic places with you.

Woman: (Tries to ignore him.)

Man: You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?

Woman: Hmmm…you really love sex and travel?

Man: (Nods his head smiling.)

Woman: Then go take a fuckin hike!!!

Man: (Trying to pick up this girl.)

Woman: Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2×4 with your hard-on?

Man: (Merely shudders a negative.)

Woman: Well, a girls gotta have her standards.

Man: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)

Woman: Je voudrais bien, mais je nai rien a porter.
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

Man: What sign were you born under?

Woman: No Parking.

Man: (Comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line.)

Woman: (Grabs his crotch, looks down at it, and looks back at
him.) Sorry, I dont see any potential here
(Nonchalantly walks off.)

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized, fuck off!

Man: (Tells a pick-up line at the airport bar.)

Woman: I like your approach, now lets see your departure.

Man: (Graying man in his 60s.) Where have you been all my life?

Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasnt born yet.

Man: (Glancing at a girl who had just walked by.)

Woman: What are you looking at?

Man: I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken.

Man: Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason!

Woman: Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!

Man: Im here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

Woman: (Turning and looking at him. Lips parted and moistened
with the tip of tongue. Leaning towards him with her
hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of
dinner plates.) Youve got a large donkey or Doberman?

Man: (Pick-line.)

Woman: Sorry, I dont date outside my species.

A man called into a local radio station (93.3 KDKB) and told the
morning guys that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he
quit smoking, he wasnt going to get any sex.

They asked him, How long do you think youll be able to hold out?

Reply: Until my girlfriend dies.