Archive for October, 2019

Euroenglish

Poza publicata in [ Political ]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, s will be used instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard c will be replaced with k. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced by f. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th by z and W by V. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Un marinero algo ignorante que

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Un marinero algo ignorante que llevaba años en alta mar vuelve a su hogar y descubre sorprendido que tiene un hijo negro. Debido a que era totalmente blanco le pregunta a su esposa: Pero… ¿como es posible que tengamos un hijo negro si yo soy blanco y tú también?

Verás, como no tenía leche, tuve que buscarme una ama de cría para que amamantara al niño, y como ella era negra, el niño se puso de ese color.

El marinero, no muy convencido, decide ir a consultarlo con su madre, le cuenta la historia y la madre responde:

Claro que puede ser, fíjate por ejemplo en ti mismo, de pequeño te di leche de vaca, y mira que lindos cuernos te están saliendo, ¡idiota!

Un psiquiatra, para encontrar la

Poza publicata in [ Chistes chistosos ]

Un psiquiatra, para encontrar la raíz del problema de un paciente dibuja una línea vertical y le dice:

¿Qué le sugiere?

Una mujer desnuda.

Cruza la línea con una horizontal:

¿Y ahora?

Una mujer desnuda agachada.

Borra las dos líneas y dibuja una horizontal:

¿Y esto, qué le sugiere?

Una mujer desnuda acostada.

La verdad es que usted sufre un grave complejo sexual.

¿YO?, ¡ES USTED QUIEN HA PINTADO ESAS GUARRADAS!

Camel Questions

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

The little camel went to his mother and asked, Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes?

She looked on him lovingly and replied, You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and theres sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we dont get lost.



Oh! he said. And why do we have such huge feet?



Well, she said, they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes.



Wow, he said, great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for?



You see, his mother informed, we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions?



Well, mother, said the young camel, I was just wondering, if weve got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo?

C: Dos

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

C: Dos

C: Dos RUn

Run Dos Run

Christian Bear

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, Lord, Im sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me Lord, please make that bear a Christian.



Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastors feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, God, bless this food which I am about to receive.

Forbidden fruit has caused many

Poza publicata in [ One Liners ]

Forbidden fruit has caused many a bad jam.

Like ships in the night

Poza publicata in [ Aviation ]

I found the following report, from a ships master, printed in the August
1987 edition of The Log journal – its exact history is unclear but I
think you might find it amusing.

Reproduced with permission.

It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that
such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances,
and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own
pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that
they will tend to overdramatise the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from
changing the G flag for the H and, it being his first trip, was having
difficulty rolling the G flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how.
Coming to the last part, I told him to let go, the lad although willing is
not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper
tone.

At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been
plotting the vessels progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that
were being referred to, repeated the let go to the third officer on the
focstle. The port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out, was
promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the pipe
while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for
the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out
by the roots. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be
extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the
vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that
spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular
traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a
volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ships
company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from
the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of
the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be
of practical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operators control cabin.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a
double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang
the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that
the sea temperature was 53 degrees and asked if there was a film tonight. My
reply would not add constructively to this report.

Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of
the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.

At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was
supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ships
towing spring down onto the tug.

The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under
the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my
double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing
the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some
minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor
there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable
area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river
bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down by the
foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but
owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

It never fails to amaze me the actions and behaviour of foreigners during
moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled
in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying
after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion
in the Guinness Book of Records.

The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be
forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ships
hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and
my crew.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of
the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his
somewhat hurried evacuation of the focstle. These particulars will enable
us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the #1 hold.

I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.

It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need
to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.

For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty
numbers T/750101 to T750119 inclusive.

Yours truly

Master

Female Comebacks

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: Im a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, whats your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.

Top ten things youll never hear from a consultant

Poza publicata in [ General / Unsorted ]

Youre right; were billing way too much for this.
Bet you I can go a week without saying synergy or value-added.
How about paying us based on the success of the project?
This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
I dont know enough to speak intelligently about that.
Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
I cant take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
Everything looks okay to me.