A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, And what will your third wish be?
The man looked at the genie and said, Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I havent had a first or second wish yet?

You have had two wishes already, the genie said, but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.

Okay, said the man, I dont believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.

Funny, said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish, too.

Boris was working in the potato fields,when he found a lamp. he rubbed it to clean it up when a genie appeared. the genie gave him one wish.boris did not believe the genie so he asked the genie to make his pee turn into the finest russian vodka the land has ever tasted.the genie said that will be done ,whenever you pee it will be vodka. boris went home that night to tell his wife,natasha, about the experience with the genie.together they decided to taste boris pee and sure enough it did taste like vodka, in fact the best they had ever tasted.so every night after work boris would rush home from the fields and promptly set out two glasses and then pee into each one for him and natasha to enjoy the vodka.one night boris came home and set out one glass,natasha noticed this and asked him if they were going to drink vodka tonite and boris replied,yes my dear we are,but tonite you drink from the bottle.

A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her cat as a friend.
One day, the lights went out as she sat knitting; she had been unable to pay
the electric bill. So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from
her childhood. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed her three
wishes.

First, I want to be so rich I never have to worry about money again.

Second, I want to be young and beautiful again.

And last, I want you to change my little cat into a handsome prince.

*POOF*

As the smoke cleared she saw she was surrounded by big bags of coins, and
that in the mirror was a young beautiful woman. She turned as the handsome
prince walked in the door, held her in his arms and said,
Now Ill bet youre sorry you took me to the vet for that little operation.

Ken.

One day Buddy and Ruddy come upon a genie. The genie says, You EACH get three wishes. So Buddy wishes, I wish for all the beautiful women in the state. The genie grants that. Then Ruddy says, I wish for a million dollars. The genie grants that. Then Buddy wishes, I want all the beautiful women in the COUNTRY. The genie grants that. Then Ruddy wishes, I would like a Harley Davidson motorcycle. So the genie grants that. Then Buddy wishes, I wish for all the women in th WORLD! The genie hesitates and grants that. Then Ruddy wishes, I wish that Buddy was a woman.

A bloke goes into a bar carrying a small box. He asks the bartender If I show you the neatest thing youve ever seen will you give me a free beer?

The bartender says, Sure, but Ive got to warn you Ive seen a LOT of things in my time.



Yeah, but youve never seen anything like this! says the man opening the box to reveal a tiny little person playing a piano, jamming away, He plays Bach, Stravinsky, He plays John Cage, he plays it all,



The bartender is mightily impressed.



That IS the neatest thing Ive ever seen. Where did you get him?



Well I was walking on the beach, found this brass lamp and rubbed it, and a genie came out and granted me a wish,



Do you think I could have a wish too? the barman asks.



Sure, says the man, producing the lamp from his coat pocket. The bartender gives it a rub, and then the genie pops out, so the bartender says I wish for a million bucks! POOF! The bar is full of duks. They are flying around, crapping on everuthing, theyre everywhere. The bartender screams at the man, Why didnt you tell me your Genie was DEFECTIVE!!!?



Yep, hard of hearing. I didnt ask for a 12-Inch Pianist, either.

Dear GOD,

In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?

Jane

Dear GOD,

Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?

Lucy

Dear GOD,

Is it true my father wont get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?

Anita

Dear GOD,

Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Norma

Dear GOD,

Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,why dont you just keep the ones you have now?

Jane

Dear GOD,

Who draws the lines around the countries?

Nan

Dear GOD,

I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

Neil

Dear GOD,

What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.

Jane

Dear GOD,

Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Joyce

Dear GOD,

Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day

of rest. Tom L.

Dear GOD,

Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.

Bruce

Dear GOD,

If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.

Raphael

Dear GOD,

Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

Larry

Dear GOD,

I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.

Sam

Dear GOD,

I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.

Ruth M.

Dear GOD,

I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.

Nan

Dear GOD,

If You watch me in church Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes.

Mickey D.

Dear GOD,

I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.

Love, Chris

Dear GOD,

We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely,

Donna

A very well-dressed and successful yuppie executive left his office one fine day and there on the sidewalk next to his Porsche was a strangely shaped lamp.

“Maybe a genie will appear if I rub it!” said the yuppie to himself, with a laugh. He rubbed it and sure enough a ten-foot tall genie appeared.

“YOU are a genie?” said the yuppie in surprise.

“Why sure!” said the genie with a grin, as he spat out a stream of tobacco juice. “Now what are yer three wishes, Bub?”

“Well, my name is Andrew, not BUB!” The dapper and confident yuppie smiled and said: “I just landed a million dollar deal; my Porsche and my condo are paid off and my beautiful secretary is going to marry me! I have everything I want! No wishes for me.”

“Sorry, you gotta wish! It’s REQUIRED!” said the genie. “And remember, whatever you wish, ya have to live with! You can’t change anything!”

“Oh, alright!” said the yuppie smugly. “I wish that I will always wear the best clothes, drive the best car and have the best job in the world!”

“Ain’t ya gonna gimme some more details?” said the genie in a confused voice.

“Well, YOU can figure it out!” said the dignified, well-groomed executive with a pompous grin. He straightened his necktie and suit and flicked a speck of dust from his shoes.

“OK! Yer wishes are granted!” said the genie.

The yuppie felt a strange feeling in his feet and looked down: his highly polished $500 Brooks Brothers shoes and silk socks had disappeared; he was now barefoot. Then his $150 silk necktie, matching braces and pocket square, Rolex and cufflinks dissolved before his eyes. Then his blue pinstriped Armani business suit and starched white shirt began to change, finally morphing into a pair of dirty overalls.

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?!” he yelled. “STOP! STOP!”

“Nope!” grinned the genie. “Cain’t stop!”

Then the stunned yuppie saw his Porsche morph into a broken down pickup truck. A moment later, a garbage truck pulled up. As he did, his executive leather briefcase turned into a lunch bucket.

“Get in!” yelled the garbage man who was driving. “Time to get to work!”

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!” roared the former yuppie, who noticed that his thick head of hair had vanished and he now wore a scraggly beard. “Where are my clothes?! I was wearing a two thousand dollar suit! Where is my car! My SHOES! You’ve stripped me of EVERYTHING! And what is that GARBAGEMAN talking about?!”

“That’s yer new job! YOU are a garbage man now – best job there is!” said the genie happily. “And yer gonna have to go barefoot for the rest of yer life now – remember! And yer always gonna drive a pickup truck! No more fancy suits and ties or shiny shoes! Ain’t that great!! You live in a trailer now, and yer married to a waitress named Flo! It’s the best life I know!!”

“Barefoot for the rest of my life! All of my suits gone! A WAITRESS! A TRAILER!” The former well-dressed yuppie yelled as the garbageman dragged him into the truck to start his new life.

The genie shook his head. “You sure ain’t grateful! Next time, don’t ask for wishes from a genie named Bubba!”

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, Hello Master, I will grant you one wish, anything that you want.



The Russian begins thinking, Well I really like drinking vodka. Finally the Russian says, I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.



The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at the glass and its clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and it is the best vodka that he has ever tasted.



The Russian yells to his wife, Natasha, Natasha, come quickly.



She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.



The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.



Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.



She gets the glass but asks him Boris, why do we only need one glass? Boris raises the glass and says, Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle.

If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules

Rule # 1

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.



Rule # 2

If you dont want to dress like Victorias Secret girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.



Rule # 3

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.



Rule # 4

It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.



Rule # 5

Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?



Rule # 6

Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.



Rule # 7

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.



Rule # 8

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.



Rule # 9

Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.



Rule # 10

When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.

A black, a hispanic and a WASP were walking along the beach when they saw a bottle sticking out of the sand.

All three grabbed it at once and a genie came out of the bottle and said, Because of your mutual participation, I will grant each of you one wish … what would you like to have?

The black man indicated he wished everyone of his race would return to Africa and live in mutual peace and harmony.

Your wish is granted, said the Genie.

The hispanic man said he wished everyone of his race would return to Cuba and Mexico and live in mutual peace and harmony.

You wish is granted, the Genie said.

What would you like to have? the Genie asked the WASP.

Ill take a Bud Lite, he replied.