While in Israel I found a great buy on a computer. It is a kosher computer called a DELLSHALOM.

It was selling at such a good price that…well……… mine arrived today. If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there were some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:

The cursor moves from right to left.

It comes with two hard drives, one for Fleyshik business software and one for Milchik games.

Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, my PC now gets Ferklempt.

The Chanukah screen savers include Flying Dreidels.

The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

The Start button has been replaced with a Lets go! Im not getting any younger! button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to Remove the cable from the PCs tuchus.

The multimedia player has been renamed to Nu, so play my music already!

Internet Explorer has a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner.

I hear Hava Nagila during startup.

When running scandisk, it prompts with a You want I should fix this? message.

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud Oy Gevalt!

There is a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of the schmutz und dreck on your monitor.

After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes Schluffen.


Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.

The Y2K problem has been replaced by Year 5760-5761 issues.

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears You should be ashamed of yourself!

When Spellcheck finds and error it prompts Is this the best you can do?

Moshe is driving around in a car park, but to his dismay, he cannot find a parking space. He drives around for half an hour then looks up to the heavens and says:

Excuse me? Its Moshe. G-d I really need your help. I cant find a parking space. I promise if you find me one I will go to shul every week and I will keep every Jewish law ever written!

Just then, a parking space appears in front of him. Moshe looks up to the sky again and says:

Actually, dont worry G-d, I just found one!

Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. I vont to go to India.

Mrs. Cohen, why India? Its filthy, much hotter than New York, its filled to the brim with Indians.

I vont to go to India.

But its a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You cant drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. Youll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, G-d only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?

I vont to go to India.

The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.

Dats OK, Goldie says.

Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words.

Fine, she says.

She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded: Remember, just three words.

Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostrate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: Sheldon, come home.

Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdales?


A: So her daughter would visit twice a week.

Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers smoke?


A: Gefiltered.

Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?


A: Guilt

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?


A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

Q: What is a genius?


A: An average student with a Jewish Mother.

Monica Lewinsky mentioned to her college room mate, Kathleen OMalley, that she would be going home for Rosh Hashanah.


Kathleen asked Is that the holiday when you light the candles?


Monica answered No, Thats Hannukah.


Oh responds Kathleen,is it the one where you eat un-leavened bread?


No, thats Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the Shofar!


Jeez said Kathleen You Jews are really nice to your servants

The matchmaker goes to visit Nathan Birnbaum, a handsome, middle-aged, bachelor, and owner of several very sucessful Gentlemans Clubs.


She claimed she had the perfect match for him.

Vat do I need a vife for, I have two young sisters det look after all my all my needs.

Dats all vell and gut she replied, However, your sisters cant fulfill the role of a vife.

I said I had two sisters, I didnt say det vere MY sisters

What did the Jewish chicken say when he eat the fish?

Yum kipper!!!!!!!

A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a non-Jew.

The son replied, But shes converting to Judaism. It doesnt matter, the old man said. A shiksa will cause problems. The son persisted.

After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. Its Shabbos, the son replied.

The father was surprised: But we always work on Saturday. Its our busiest day.


I wont work anymore on Saturday, the son insisted,because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos.

See, the father said. I told you marrying a non-Jew would cause problems.

The Golds were never very observant. They would mark Yom Kippur by abstaining from ham–if they remembered. But one thing they always told little Billy was: Make sure you marry a nice Jewish girl. Well, Billy Gold grew up much like mom and dad, and one brought home a lovely fiance, but she was definitely not at all Jewish. Billys mother took him aside and told him: Weve always told you one thing: Marry a nice Jewish girl. Billy, expecting this, triumphantly announces: Dont worry, Mom. Patricia has agreed to convert. But nothing molifies the parents: She is a shiksa and will always be a shiksa. The parents dont want to even come to the wedding: they take a month-long cruise that starts the day before the wedding, and for a month after that, they refuse to talk to Billy. Finally, Billys mother cant resist. She comes and visits Billy, walking in in a huff with her copy of the key. To her amazement, Billy is dressed in black and is pouring over books in Hebrew or Aramaic–Billys mother cant tell. She goes into the kitchen and finds two complete sets of dishes. She cant believe her eyes. Finally she turns to Billy: What happened? Billy answers: Patricia told me I should go back to my tradition. The mother shouts: We always told you not to marry a shiksa!

the queen one day summoned the 3 people who worshipped the strangest g-ds.an israeli came,an arab came and a hindu came.they were each asked which g-ds they worshipped.the arab saidallahthe hindu said budda and the israeli said me?oh i worship the fan.