It seems that when God was making the world, He called Man over & bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified! Only 20 years of normal sex life? but the Lord was adament that that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey & gave him 20 years. But I dont need 20 years, he protested. Ten is plenty for me. Man spoke up eagerly, Can I have the other ten? The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion & gave him 20 years. And the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again Man spoke up, Can I have the other ten? And the lion graciously agreed.

Then came the donkey & he was given 20 years, but like the other animals before him, he felt that ten years was sufficient. And once again Man asked for and received the remaining 10.

Which explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life-
10 years of monkeying around –
10 years of lion about it –
AND
10 years of making an ass of himself.

You truly dont care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
You can call anyone honey including pets.
You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with
Richard Gere and the gerbil.
You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields
and still spot a toupee.
You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean
her bathing suit.
You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend
and lover.
You really have been there, done that.
Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know
about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
Youre the only type of male who gets to say fabulous.
You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home.
You can have naked men you dont know in your home.
You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
You understand why the good Lord didnt intend everyone to wear it.
You know how to get back at just about everyone.
You only wear polyester when you mean to.
You can smile to let someone know you cant stand them.
You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
Youre good pals with women other people cant stand.
Youve always got an opinion.
Youve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
You know how to dress strategically.
Your car has an amusing female name.
Youre the only one at your high school reunion who looks
a lot better than you did in high school.
Youve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
You know that sex complicates things. So?
You know that being called a cheap slut isnt actually an insult.
Theres a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what
to tell you.
You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
You have at least one movie musical on video.
Youre not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
Youre embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
You know how to make an entrance.
You know when to make an exit.
You worry about people you dont even know – like Liza Minnelli.
You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
You know how to program your VCR.
Youve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
Some of your best friends are your ex-lovers.
You know when to play dumb.
You know what to do for a hangover.
Yes, you do have a condom.
Youve called someone girlfriend who is neither a girl
nor a friend.
One or more of the following apply to you:

a) You adore Judy Garland

b) You hate Judy Garland

c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.

d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.

e) You dont give a damn about Judy Garland.

f) Who is Judy Garland?

You can supply the last names to the following list:

a) Bernadette

b) Chita

c) Barbra

You made Donna Summer a star.
You made Donna Summer a has-been.
Tanning salons were invented for you.
Youve made sunbathing a performance art.
You know when the partys over.
You know where to go after the partys over.
Youre fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
When you hear a stitch in time saves nine you think of:

a) Your grandma

b) Your face lift

c) John Wayne Bobbit

You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
Your roommate can be your roommate and not your roommate.
You know that referring to someone as a real lady isnt
necessarily a compliment.
Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
You know that the most important part of a partys decor is the
catering staff.
If your cat is a female, you swear its a lesbian.
If your cat is a male, you swear its a lesbian.
You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe,
like Stand by your man.
Youve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion
and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered evaluation
of the food after each.
Youll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
You have a favorite Disney character and its usually a nasty one.
Youve left someone totally speechless.
Youve shaved something other than your face.
All your friends do not have to get along.
You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be
with different guys, however.
Your love handles are actually used as such.
When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it
an opportunity.
Youve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
Youve got the most interesting coffee table books.
You know where to find a meat rack and it aint in your kitchen drawer.
You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
At some moment in your life youve envisioned having back-up girls.
You know your enemies.
After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man… and hes
right there in the shower.
Youre Barbra Streisands biggest fan.
You know that Barbra Streisands biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes youve added
side dishes.
You know that small talk can be about spirituality or politics, and
important issues can be about hair.
Youve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated
solely as a sex object.
You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
You know, by heart, every line in:

a) All About Eve

b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show

c) Your face

You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
Even if youre in Kansas, youre not in Kansas anymore.
You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread.
Sometimes after the party too.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous One small step for man, one giant leap for man kind statement but followed it with several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark Good luck Mr. Gorsky.Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the Good Luck Mr. Gorsky, statement meant, but Armstrong always smiled and would not answer.On July 5, 1996, in Tampa, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 29 year old question to Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question…. When Armstrong was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in his backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the then young Neil Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky saying Oral Sex! You want oral sex? Youll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, Thats no problem. How many do you want?

The man answered, Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one into four pieces.

The pharmacist said, That wont do you any good.

The elderly gentleman said, Thats all right. I dont need them for sex anymore, as Im over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I dont pee on my shoes.

[Posted to misc.kids recently. Author unknown]
posted by Jeremy Henderson

BABY(1) USER COMMANDS BABY(1)

NAME
BABY – create new process from two parent processes

SYNOPSIS

BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]

DESCRIPTION

BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server
process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the
System V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately
40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require
constant monitoring when BABY reaches its final stages of execution.

Older implementations of BABY required that the initiating
process not be present at the time of completion. In these versions
the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon
completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active
during the final stages of BABY.

OPTIONS

-sex
option indicating type of process created.

-name
process identification to be attached to the new process.

RESULT
Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process
being created and named. Parent processes then typically
broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their
new status in the system.

BUGS
The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some
time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts
which must be handled by one or more parent.

BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump
in /tmp requiring /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one
of the parent processes.

SEE ALSO
sleep(1) dump(8) cry(3)

According to an article by Francis Baumli in the May 1991 issue of
Mens Health Newsletter, testicles that disappear into the groin
during sex or extreme fright can be quite normal in some men and are
not necessarily a symptom of a hernia, though the men affected may be
considerably worried about what is happening. What happens is that
the cremaster muscles, one attached to each testicle, pull the
testicles up into the inguinal canal. The article concludes with the
paragraph:

Furthermore, according to physical anthropologists, its likely that
Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon man had a cremasteric reflex strong enough
to pull the testicles up into the body during fight or flight. Even
today, martial artists in some disciplines practice raising their
testicles until they can voluntarily pull them up inside the inguinal
canal where they are (supposedly) less likely to be injured during a
fight or sparring match.

And I thought I had total control of my body when I learned to wiggle
my ears.

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first.

After the pro sees his swing, he says, No, no, no, youre gripping the club way too hard!

Well, what should I do? asks the man.

Hold the club gently, the pro replied, just like youd hold your wifes breast.

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife cant wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, No, no, no, youre gripping the club way too hard.

What can I do? asks the wife.

Hold the club gently, just like youd hold your husbands penis.

The wife listens carefully to the pros advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway … about 15 ft.

That was great, the pro says. Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like youre supposed to! says the pro.

Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft.
Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data.
Giving Worf a nuggie.
Ordering a pizza from Dominos, then going 30 minutes into the future just to piss them off. (Ha ha! Free pizza!)
Secretly replacing the dilithium crystals with New Folgers crystals.
Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Countdown during self-destruct sequence.
Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression.
Calling down to the transporter room, and asking if theyve beamed aboard Prince Albert in a can.
Tribble sex!

You have sex with a woman and you yell out, Whos your daddy?! Later you learn the womans mother was artificially inseminated…Uncomfortable situation.You tell your aunt youd give your left breast to go to the Jets game. Your aunt then tells you she just had a double mastectomy…Uncomfortable situation.You make fun of the Valtrex commercials. Your faithful girlfriend has a sudden interest in canoeing…Uncomfortable situation.Youre a cannibal. Turns out the people youre staying with are vegetarians…Uncomfortable situation.You think your boyfriend is going to make you an Amsterdam dish. Turns out he meant something else by Dutch Oven…Uncomfortable situation.You go to the doctor for a rectal examination. He says when he uses gloves it just doesnt feel the same…Uncomfortable situation.8) You ask if you can have the day off for Yom Kippur. Your first name is Adolf…Uncomfortable situation.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had
a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that hed be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
Whats wrong, Bill? she asked.

Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?

Oh, Bill, you didnt.

Yes, I did.

My God, Bill, what happened?

I got fired.

No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?

Oh… she got fired too.