In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the brides insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

Mother, Mother! cried the girl, He says that we should sleep together!

Its alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.

Oh, said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.

Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!

Its alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, dont let it bother you… Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you.

When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.

Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!

Stand back, girl! says the mother, This is a job for a real woman!

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when shes done just give her 10 Hail Marys and Ill be right back.



Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex.



Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?



In reply the altar boy said, Two Snickers bars and a Coke.

From The Guardian newspaper, diary section, 11th October.
(Diarist Andrew Moncur)

Please suspend incredulity at this point. I am merely seeking
further particulars about an absent-minded biologist named Ralph.
He is alleged to have been doing some research on sperm whales.
This involved borrowing a whales 9 foot long penis (preserved)
from the Natural History Museum. It is further alleged that he
took this item, suitably packaged, off home on the bus. When he
arrive he, of course, discovered that he had left it on the bus.
Forgetful, you see. So he had to go round to the lost property
office and ask the attendant whether, please, he had a 9 ft penis.
AND HE HAD. Can anybody fill in the details? On second thoughts
I really think Id sooner not know.

…doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. I really should have mentioned this earlier, but Im actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex. The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the drivers seat looking out the window. Why arent we going anywhere? asked the girl. Well, I should have mentioned this before, but Im actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a mans penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a mans hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to

find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a

cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

A magic potion she replies.

Well what does it for he asks. This potion will make anyone an

excellent golfer.

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is

agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his

sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.

He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of

golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He

spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every

course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After

a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the

witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk

to her.

Well, she asks, How has your game been? Great! This has been

the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and

never lost a game.

And how about your sex life? Oh, not bad.

Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many

times did you have sex last year? Hmmmm, it was three, no, four

times.

And you call that not bad? Not for a priest with a small parish.

– Phone conversations are over in thrity seconds flat.
 

 
– When clicking through the channel, you dnt have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
 

 
– You know stuff about tanks.
 

 
– A five-day vacation requres only one suitcase.
 

 
– You dont have to monitor your friends sex lives.
 

 
– Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter
 

 
– You can open all your own jars.
 

 
– Old friends dont give you crap if youve lost or gained weight.
 

 
– Dry cleaners and haircutters dont rob you blind
 

 
– A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
 

 
– You dont have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
 

 
– You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
 

 
– When your work is criticized, you dont have to panic that everyone secretly hates you
 

 
– The garage is all yours.
 

 
– You can be showered and ready in ten minutes.
 

 
– Wedding plans take care of themselves.
 

 
– If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
 

 
– Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.
 

 
– None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
 

 
– You dont have to shave below your neck.
 

 
– If youre thrity-four and single, nobody notices.
 

 
– Everything on your face stays its original color.
 

 
– Chocolate is just another snack.
 

 
– Flowers fix everything.
 

 
– Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
 

 
– Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
 

 
– You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
 

 
– Car mechanics tell you the truth.
 

 
– You dont care whether anybody notices your new haircut.
 

 
– You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, he must be made at me.
 

 
– You never miscontrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you
 

 
– One mood, all the time.
 

 
– You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
 

 
– You can site with yoru kees apart no matter what you are wearing.
 

 
– Gray hair and wrinkles add character
 

 
– You dont care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
 

 
– You dont mooch off others desserts
 

 
– If you retain water, its in a canteen
 

 
– The remote is yours and yours alone
 

 
– People never glance at your chest when you are talking to them
 

 
– You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift
 

 
– Bachelor parties have it all over bridal showers
 

 
– You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
 

 
– If you dont call your buddy when you say you will, he wont tell your friends youve changed
 

 
– If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies
 

 
– You dont have to remember birthdays and anniversaries for everyone you know.
 

 
– Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: So . . . Notice anything different?
 

 
There is always a game on somewhere

Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman

Symbol: WO

Discoverer: Adam

Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36 – 28 – 36, though isotopes
ranging from 25 -10 – 20 to 60 – 55 – 60
have been identified.

Occurrence: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban
areas.

Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at
absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice.
Totally unpredictable. Melts when
properly treated, very bitter if not well used.
Found in various states, ranging from virgin
metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted
by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
the specimen varies considerably, but it is
often changed artificially so well that the
change is indiscernable except to the experienced
eye.

Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially
in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction
if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food
matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated
with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and
sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst
is often required (must say you love her at least
five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of
control when in the dark and all reaction
conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to
react if in the highly stable pure form.
Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used
on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests: Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural
state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.

Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego).
Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must
be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen,
though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.

[Ed: There is a similar one for men which can be found at
http://student-www.eng.hawaii.edu/kenny/jokes/mild/haha3]

Three midgets are standing around talking.
Were the three plainest midgets around. Theres nothing special about us at all!
So the 1st midget goes, Hey, I have an idea! Im gonna go to the Guiness Book of World Records & see if Im the shortest man in the world! He goes and gets measured. He comes back happy & goes Im the shortest man!
Then tha 2nd midget says That gives me an idea! Im gonna see if I have the shortest legs. So he goes and gets his legs measured. He comes back happy & goes I have the shortest legs in the world!
The 3rd midget looks at himself & goes Im gonna go see if I have the shortest penis in the world. So he goes and gets it measured. He comes back pissed off. The other midgets are like Whats the matter? And tha 3rd midget is like Who the hell is (blank)?!?!?! ***You are supposed to insert the name of the person you are telling the joke to in the blank. For example, if I was telling the joke to a guy named Bob, then the last line of the joke would be: And tha 3rd midget is like Who tha hell is Bob?!?!?! ****~This joke works very well on AIM profiles and away messages. Instead of leaving a blank where a name is supposed to go in the last line, you can use the %n so that it will insert the screenname of whoever is reading it.~*

( From a T-shirt )

When god created man before he created woman, remember that artists
make models first before they make masterpieces.

[Ed: This and other jokes to come are prompted by a request I made for
sexist jokes that poke fun at men. ]