Ralph

Yo mama is so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said to be continued.

A: I dont know, there are some things even a blonde wont do.

Why are there only two paul-bearers at a Mexican funeral?

There are only two handles on a garbage can!

Joke found on http://www.jokesgalore.com

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents were caught in a tornado, and off
they whirled to Oz. They finally made it to the Emerald City and came
before the Great Wizard.

What brings you before the Great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly, Ive come for some courage.

No problem! said the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan stepped forward, Well… I… I think I need a brain.

Done, said the Wizard. Who comes next before the Great and Powerful
Oz?

Up stepped George Bush sadly, Im told by the American people that I
need a heart.

Ive heard its true! said the Wizard. Consider it done.

There was a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton was just standing
there, looking around, but didnt say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asked, What do you want?

Is Dorothy here?

Its the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobbys a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sues father answers and invites him in. Peggy Sues not ready yet, so why dont you have a seat? he says. Thats cool. says Bobby. Peggy Sues father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sues father responds, Why dont you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it. Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, Whaaaat? Yeah, says Peggy Sues father, Peggy Sue really likes to screw; shell screw all night if we let her! Bobbys eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that shes ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, Have a good evening, kids! About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: Dammit, Daddy! The twist! Its called the twist!!

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, And what will your third wish be?
The man looked at the genie and said, Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I havent had a first or second wish yet?

You have had two wishes already, the genie said, but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.

Okay, said the man, I dont believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.

Funny, said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. That was your first wish, too.

Womens English:

Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No

Im sorry = Youll be sorry We need = I want Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = Youll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure go ahead = I dont want you to. Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron! Youre so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Youre certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper… Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like. Ill be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me Im beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, youre dead.] Was that the baby? = Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep. Im not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important. The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really = Its just that youre such an asshole. ==========================================================

Mens English:

Im hungry = Im hungry. Im sleepy = Im sleepy. Im tired = Im tired. Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you. Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you. Whats wrong? = I dont see why your making such a big deal about this. Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. Im bored. = Do you want to have sex? I love you. = Lets have sex now. I love you, too. = Okay, I said it… wed better have sex now! Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before. Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesnt look that much different! Lets talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home! I dont think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

This is an original submission, although I didnt originate it.
If I have screwed up, assume that all the terms below apply to me.

—–begin included—–
Date: Thu, 10 Nov 1994 09:36:28 -1000 (HST)
From: Zoweee Wow, KSC <zoweee@zang.kcc.hawaii.edu>
Subject: My Tongue Ring (A Public Apology)

In accordance with the terms laid out on Monday, November 7th, 1994, I do
herebye offer Public and Embarassing Apology to a large group of
strangers for my statement upon that day that Tongue rings dont hurt at
all, you fucking wusses.

In my most remarkable stupidity, I dared to contradict the wisdom of my
obvious superiors simply because the piercing itself was not painful. I
proved my inability to grasp even the simple concepts underlying the
bodys willingness to Seek Revenge against Stupid Assholes Like Myself
for acts Most Heinous against the organism. Furthermore, I did this in
direct opposition to people who OWNED tongue piercings, knew the pain
they cause, and are obviously more intelligent than I.

To fulfill the terms of this agreement, I do herebye authorize the
further propagation of this Apology For Being a Shitheel, and hope that
my name will be placed somewhere near that of Hitler and Napoleon in the
annals of dimwitted jerkoffs, being second in bozosity only to people
who believe that attacking the russians in autumn is a Wise Plan.

Now, someone give me some Percocet before I die.

Zoweee Wow, Idiot-at-Large (23rd Congressional District)
zoweee@zang.kcc.hawaii.edu
chadr@uhunix.uhcc.hawaii.edu

—–end included—–

KNOCK KNOCK WHOS THERE CHANUKAH CHANUKAH WHO CHANUKAH IS HERE!