Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you even going to open the door!

Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!

Terry Randle virus: Prints Oh no you dont whenever you choose Abort from the Abort, Retry, Fail message.

Little John had a pet-chicken. He fed the chick each day and cared for her, but one day, to his shock, he found the chicken laying on her back, legs up high and mouth wide open. John ran to his father and asked him to come and take a look.

Dad came, glanced at the chicken, turned to his son and explained – Im sorry, Johnny, but your chicken has died. Look, how the legs are pointing up high to the sky, as if she was trying to get faster up to Heaven, to be with God!

Next day, when dad came back from work, he found Johnny waiting for him. Before he could even get out of the car, Johnny was yelling: Dad, dad! We almost lost our Mum today! I heard a noise and went to look for her and found her on her back on kitchen table!

And, dad, her legs were up, too, pointing to the sky as if she wanted to get there faster! And she was screaming Oh, God, Im coming! Oh, God, Im coming and she kept on reapeating Yes! Yeees! Faster!

Then Johnny nodded and added with great relief Isnt it glad, that uncle Tim was here and held her down on that table? Cause, you know, her screams were so loud it was pretty clear she really-really wanted to get to see God!

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a
long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the
Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The
Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer
persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun.
He explains I ask you a question, and if you dont know the
answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I dont
know the answer, Ill pay you $5. Again, the Engineer politely
declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer,
now somewhat agitated, says, OK, if you dont know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, Ill pay
you $50! This catches the Engineers attention, and he sees
no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question. Whats the distance
from the earth to the moon? The Engineer doesnt say a word, but
reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the

Programmer. Now, its the Engineers turn. He asks the Programmer
What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four? The
Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into
the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library
of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to
no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50.
The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back
to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the
Engineer and asks Well, so whats the answer? Without a word,
the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5,
and turns away to get back to sleep.

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, Heres a pill for English literature. The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

What else do you have? asks the student.

Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history, replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, Do you have a pill for math?

The pharmacist says, Wait just a moment, goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

I have to take that huge pill for math? inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beerhall.

One of them says, Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick.

How did you get it fixed?

Well I just dipped my finger in the cows vagina and rubbed it all over the bulls nose and he got right after her.

Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cows vagina and rubs it all around the bulls nose. The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.

That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and cant get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wifes vagina and feeling that its nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, Honey, look!

She rolls over, turns on the light and says, You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?

The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. Never mind, reassured the collector, I will take your word that you bought your ticket. That is very kind of you, replied Banta Singh,but if I dont find it, I want to know where to get off.

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jays kids stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

Of course, they dont sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If youve never been in an X-rated store, dont go. Youll only confuse yourself.

I was there almost three hours saying things like, What does this do?

Youre kidding me!

Who owns that?

Do you have their phone number?

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Im not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-boyfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models.

The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things Id only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the vibro-motion was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat.

In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone,
I snuck into the house and filled the dangling pantyhose with Louises pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

What the hell is that? she asked. My brother quickly explained, Its a doll.

Who would play with something like that? Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

Where are her clothes? Granny continued. I hadnt seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.

Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran, Jay said, trying to
steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. Why
doesnt she have any teeth?

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, Hang on Granny, Hang on!

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, Hey, whos the naked gal by the fireplace?

I told him she was Jays friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpas last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

A guy walking on the street spots a local comedic political news reporter and asks him, why do you make jokes about the government, it is a serious matter?
The reporter replies, I dont make jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts.