These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you dont know what hes talking about.
Why does an [ethnicss] left arm pit smell so damm bad?
They cant find Left Guard at the store.
Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and were worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up the Mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chads mother and tell her he is OK. He cant write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it wasnt for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didnt hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?
The wet wood didnt burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasnt his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down, thats probably why he cant get insurance. We think its a neat car. He doesnt care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Dont worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isnt any traffic. All we ever see up here is logging trucks.
This morning, all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldnt let me because I cant swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Walt isnt crabby like some scoutmasters. He didnt even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of the time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. Im so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy bullets.
Dont worry about anything. We are fine.
Danny
A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist
suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture
and asks the man what he sees.
A man and a woman making love in a park, the man replies.
The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he
sees.
A man and a woman making love in a boat.
He holds up the third picture.
A man and a woman making love at the beach.
This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he
sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures. At the
end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, It
looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.
And the man replies, Well, youre the one with the dirty pictures.
A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother How old are you? Mommy says Honey, women dont talk about their age, youll learn later on in life.
The girl then asks, Mommy, how much do you weigh? Mommy says, Thats another thing women dont talk about, youll find out when you are grown up.
The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce? Mommy says, Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I dont want to talk about it now.
The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mothers conversation. The girlfriend says, All you have to do is sneak a look at your mothers drivers license. Its just like a report card, it tells you everything.
The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says, Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old. Her mommy is very shocked! She asks Sweetheart how did you do that?
The girl shrugs and says, I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds. The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, Where did you learn that?
The little girl says, I just know, thats all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an F in sex!
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to kick you."
"Keep the goddamn egg."
Expensive Pussy: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following – fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion.
Often not worth it.
Cheap Pussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following – she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. Youre lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Wont go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it.
Often not worth it.
Hired Pussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You dont have to stick around, wont tell your girlfriend, doesnt care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high.
Often not worth it.
Virgin Pussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight fit if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer other services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause accidents, can only be used once.
Usually not worth it unless youre into that sort of thing.
Nympho Pussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship.
Often not worth it.
Frigid Pussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized.
Never worth it.
Innocent Nympho Pussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
Party Pussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you.
Often not worth it.
Nutsy Pussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
Possible titles for Monica Lewinskys new book
1. I Suck At My Job
2. What Really Goes Down In The White House
3. How I Blew It In Washington
4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
5. Clear and Present Boner
6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
7. Going Back for Gore
8. Podium Girl
9. Secret Services to the President
10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
11. Deep Inside The Oval Office
12. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
13. Shes Chief of MY Staff!
14. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
15. How To Beat Off the Government
16. Going Down and Moving Up
17. Members of the Presidential Cabinet
18. Me and My Big Mouth
19. How To Get Ahead in Business
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said Id like a steak, a potato, and a Coke please.
So the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal.
The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.
The barman came over and said Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!
The panda calmly replied Do you know what I am?
Why yes, the barman answered.
Youre a panda.
Good, the panda nodded.
Now go home and look up panda in the dictionary.
And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.
The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.
After a while, he found panda and quickly read the definition:
PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God…
Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before in your case; Im going to let you decide where you want to go.
Bill replied, Well, whats the difference between the two?
God said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, it if will help your decision.
Fine, but where should I go first?
Ill leave that up to you.
Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of BEAUTIFUL women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
This is great! he told God. If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!
Fine, said God, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. Hmmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told God.
Fine, retorted God, as you desire.
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
Hows everything going? he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????!
Oh, that?…That was a DEMO, replied God.