Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day

Teach a man to fish, and you can get rid of him for the weekend.

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

your mom its so hairy her legs got bangs

A doctor with a mean sense of humor goes to meet her new patient in
the exam room. First thing she says: Well, Mr. Smith, as we
discussed, you will experience some short-term memory loss.

(tip: dont try these if youre not willing to risk being beaten up) 1. Poke the person next to you repeatedly with your fork. If they try to retaliate, curl into a ball and start crying for your mother. 2. This only works if the person has their back to you. Select a single strand of hair from the persons head and pull gently. When they reach up to touch their hair or try to turn around, look at the ceiling or pretend to read the menu. Repeat constantly. 3. Tap your fingernails on the table top, ignoring any evil stares that come your way. (This works anywhere, not just restaurants.) 4. Hug yourself and rock backwards and forwards in your seat whilst muttering incoherantly. This will not only completely embarrass those at your table, it is also extremely annoying. 5. Help yourself to other peoples meals. If they complain, pretend to stick your fingers down your throat and ask them if theyd like their food back.

A Polish man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, Hey! What do you have in the bag?

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag.

His friend says, Well, Ill make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, youll have to give me one.

The man says, Ill tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, Ill give you both of them.

Im fat, but Im
thin inside. Has it ever struck you that theres a thin man inside every
fat man, just as they say theres a statue inside every block of stone?

~ George Orwell

A: From eating with forks.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies, Hell, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks!

You know you drink too much coffee when…

1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.

2. You chew on your roommates fingernails.

3. You can jump-start your car without cables.

4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize its not plugged in.

5. You cant remember your second cup.

6. You have a picture of your coffeemug on your coffee mug.

7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.

8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

9. You dont sweat — you percolate.

10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.