One day two men were fishing, when a Game Warden slipped up on themand asked
to see their fishing licences.One of the men took off running in . So
the warden started chasinghim. He ran after the man up and down the
side of the river, thru the swamp,up the side of a mountain, the man swam across the
river with the warden right behind him . Then he swam back across the river with the warden still right behind him.Finaly after about three miles of chasnig the game warden caught up with the man, bleeding and out of breath the warden asked to see his fishing licence. The man reached in his pocket and pulled out his licence and
handed it to the warden.And the warden asked why did you run? The man just looked at the warden and smiled and said the other guy didnt have his licence.
A massive cold front swept across the nation this week, but its not
expected to affect the election. Says Hamilton, The Weather Channel said
the five-day forecast for Bob Dole is three days.
Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive?
Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Question: Whats the biggest pencil in the World?
Answer: Pennsylvania!
you better !pout !cry
you better watchout
lpr why
santa claus < north pole > town
cat /etc/passwd > list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
santa claus < north pole > town
who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep bad | good
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
santa claus < north pole > town
1981
1. Prince Charles gets married
2. Liverpool Champions league winner
3. Pope dies.2005
1. Prince Charles gets married
2. Liverpool Champions league winner
3. Pope dies.If Prince Charles gets married agan and és Liverpool wins Champions league in the same year … maybe it would be a good idea to notify the Pope …
A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctors office and say: Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, Yes, youre having sex properly. That will be forty dollars.
They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.
On the fifth visit the doctor says, Why do you keep on coming back?
I told you youre having sex properly.
The boy explains, The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid.
Confucius says:
Passionate kiss, like spiders web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.
Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
‘War doesnt determine whos right. War determines whos left.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.
‘He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Llega un señor muy preocupado al doctor y le dice: doctor, tengo un problema muy grave, es algo que no me deja dormir, no puedo ni siquiera hacerle el amor a mi esposa.
DÃgame, ¿cuál es su problema?, cuestiona el doctor.
El paciente responde: es que no se como decirlo… pero tengo un testÃculo mayor que el otro.
A veces pasa, no se preocupe. Muéstremelo, quiero revisarlo.
No doctor, usted se va a reÃr.
No señor, como piensa eso. Soy un profesional, no voy a reÃrme.
¿Me lo promete doctor?
¡Hombre, claro, se lo prometo!
El hombre se saca un testÃculo del tamaño de un melón; el médico, por más que lo intenta, no pude contenerse y se empieza a morir de la risa.
Ja, ja, ja, ja, ¡qué compañón más pura mierda!
El paciente molesto, le reclama: lo ve doctor, me dijo que no se iba a reÃr, ¡y eso que todavÃa no le muestro el grande!
Un tipo entra a una zapaterÃa y se le acerca el vendedor:
Buenas tardes, ¿en qué puedo servirle?
Quiero unos zapatos del número seis.
Verá, señor, no es por contradecirlo, pero a simple vista puedo ver que su número es al menos siete y medio.
Eso no importa, yo quiero un número seis, si no, no compro nada.
Está bien.
El dependiente le trae un número seis; el tipo se los prueba y comenta:
Perfecto, me los llevo puestos.
Cuando va de salida, el vendedor ve que el tipo va sufriendo porque los zapatos le aprietan. El vendedor, intrigado, se le acerca:
Señor, disculpe, pero no me puedo quedar con la duda, ¿cómo es que compra sus zapatos asÃ, si se ve que está sufriendo porque no le quedan?
Mire, le voy a contar mi historia: mi mujer me engaña con mi mejor amigo; mi hija es una puta; mi hijo es drogadicto y maricón; mi suegra vive con nosotros… ¡El único placer que tengo en la vida es cuando llego a mi casa y me quito estos malditos zapatos!